


Streaks of Untruth

by MLP_Mike



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Drabbles, F/M, Fluff, One-Shots, prompted ficlets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-04-22
Packaged: 2018-03-16 06:32:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3477983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MLP_Mike/pseuds/MLP_Mike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles, one-shots, ficlets, and fluff that I write based on prompts given to me by people who are an easy "five out of five hats", hands down, no questions asked. Follow along as John and Rose grapple with early love, as Dave bickers with his drift partner whilst piloting a Jaeger, and as Jade concocts the perfect plan to save Christmas. Possibly more to come. If you have an idea for a prompt, message me on tumblr "mlp-mike" or drop a comment!</p><p>Thanks for reading.<br/>- Mike</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "John" Work (John/Rose)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt by Jeedies
> 
> "College student Rose is wealthy and doesnt worry about college debt. She goes out with her friends and goes to the bathroom to find the janitor asleep on the floor. john is a middle class college student/ janitor asleep on the bathroom floor."
> 
> This is my first prompted ficlet, so I probably made a whole mess of it XD Looking back, I took a shit-load of artistic licenses. IE: John and Rose probably weren’t supposed to know each other. Regardless, this was a blast to write :3

**Chapter One: "John" Work**

=> Be Rose Lalonde

You are Rose Lalonde.

If there’s one thing you hate, it’s people around your age without the sense or sensibility to behave with the decorum that you hold herself to. Seriously, don’t these kids have anything else to do besides get blasted on over -priced drinks, in an over-crowded club, with a bunch of over-hyped people?

When you bring up your concerns to her friend, she just laughs in your face.

“Really, Rose?” Jade pokes you in the chest. “You’re out here too, aren’t you?”

Sure enough, you, Rose Lalonde, are out among the masses, mingling with the hooligans and enjoying all this extra money afforded to you by your weighty scholarships. You always look forward to those days where all your other classmates line up outside the student’s accounts office to turn in their checks. You always watch from a distance and feel the appropriate amount of sympathy without actually parting with a single cent of your own cash.

If there was one thing you like, it’s getting _paid_ to go to college.

“If you’re really so against this, then we can leave.” Jade continues. She gestures around the club, to all the gyrating hoodlums amongst the flashing strobes. “I mean. I don’t want to bring you along if you’re just going to complain the whole time.”

“No, no. I’ll hold my tongue and allow you to enjoy your evening,” You fold your arms and examine the scene before you. “I just hope that you can cope with the idea that this will be the one and only time I’ll ever accompany you to this dreadful place.”

This club, aptly named: _‘The Ruckus’_ , is a relatively small joint close to campus. Growing up near a major city, you’re no stranger to the incessant blaring of white noise. The Ruckus, however, brings sound pollution up to a whole new, unappreciated, level.

A large part of the floor space is occupied by the dance floor, a long bar is against the far wall, and a booth in the corner houses the current DJ, your brother Dave.  Proper illumination is near non-existent, as are comfortable seating.

“Eh, after we get a few bev’s in you, it won’t be so bad.” Jade throws her arm around your shoulders and steers you forward. “This will be good for you. It’s about time you got out and did something fun.”

“I do fun things. I read. I write. I spend times with friends.”

“You’ve also never set a foot off campus for the past semester. Face it, Lalonde, you’re a Grade ‘A’ introvert that’s too good-looking to be such a recluse.”

“Although I do appreciate the compliment,” You and Jade weave through the crowd and eventually reach the bar. “I can’t help but wonder what _you_ stand to gain by bringing me out this evening. I doubt all of this is solely for my social benefit.”

As Jade motions for the bartender, a light dusting of blush colors her cheeks.

“I like the scene,” She shrugs. “What? A girl can’t take out her friend for an evening on the town without an ulterior motive?”

You simply lift your eyebrow in response.

“Ugh, fine. I want you to set me up with Dave.”

Ah, yes. The penny drops.

You look over towards her brother, who was spinning records in the DJ booth like a dough-bender at a pizza parlor. He’s wearing sunglasses inside, at night, in the darkest corner of the club. If you already didn’t have affirmation of how much of a dweeb he is, you’d probably reach that conclusion on your lonesome anyways, after only a few seconds of watching him.

“Jade, you do not want to date, Dave.” You state plainly.

“Why not?! He’s cute!”

“He’s an egotistical, hot-head with an unhealthy interest in pickled corpses. If you came looking for companionship, there are literally dozens of other eligible bachelors here, I’m sure.”

Jade crosses her arms and begins to pout horribly. Instantly you feel bad. Not only are you pissing on Jade’s parade, you’re also potentially spoiling the chance for two people to find love. In one fell swoop you are being both a poor sister _and_ a shitty friend.

Before you can make amends, however, the bartender finally swaggers up.

“Ladies.” He greets, wriggling his eyebrows and sending you a wink lecherous enough to make a little bile rise in your throat. “Wwhat can I do for you on this fine evvening?”

“Drinks. Now.” Jade commands, fishing some cash from her purse. “Long Island Iced Teas, please.”

As the bartender mixes your drinks, you try to imagine what it would be like if Jade dated Dave. How much would change amongst the dynamic of your group? It’s always been you, John, Jade and Dave. Would Jade spend less time with you and John? Would Dave? Would you have to spend the rest of your time at university, checking for a tube sock tied around the doorknob to your dorm?

You shiver at the thought. Having Jade as a roommate is hard enough as it is, with her assorted knick knacks and blatant refusal to do laundry. You don’t want to live in constant fear of interrupting some fierce make-out session, one of the sloppiest variety.

But then again… who are you to stand in the way of love? If that’s even what this is.

“Listen, Jade.” You come out of your internal debate to find Jade already halfway through her drink. “If you want to instigate a relationship with Dave, then I suppose it’s not up to me as to whether or not that actually becomes a thing. If you truly want my help, then consider me your matchmaker.”

“Really?” Jade takes a long _slurp_ from her glass and swallows thoughtfully. “I mean, what about all that stuff you said about corpses and hotness?”

“I may have been a little crude in analysis of Dave, not to mention biased. As his sister, it’s sort of my job to see the worst in him.” You take a sip of your drink, wrinkle your nose, and nudge it away slightly. “Why did you buy this for me, Jade? I never told you I was going to drink.”

“That’s the whole reason we came!” Jade throws her hands in the air. “Ugh. If you aren’t going to get drunk, then will you at least dance with me?”

You look towards the mass of people jiving in the center of the floor. It’s hard to tell where one person begins and another ends, let alone what kind of _‘dance’_ is supposed to be happening. The music Dave is currently spinning doesn’t seem very appealing either. Somehow he’s managed to mix Kanye West and Foreigner into the one of the most spectacular messes you’ve ever had the pleasure of listening to.

“I don’t know.” You admit. “I’m afraid that if I go out there I’ll catch some sort of disease.”

You glance back at Jade just in time to see her smile flip back to a frown once more. You sigh.

“Listen,” You begin, taking her by the hand. “I’ve already promised to do whatever I can to endear you to Dave. What else do you want?”

“Rooose, you aren’t going to _meet_ anyone if you just sit on the sidelines all the time.” She protests.

“I sit on the sidelines so that I can be better aware of my surroundings. Observation is the first step towards comprehension. Also, whoever said that I wanted to meet anyone? I’m perfectly happy with my unaccompanied existence, thank you very much.”

“For a psyche major, you sure don’t know a lot about people.” Jade finishes her drink and turns on her stool to face you more fully, as if she’s about to _‘school’_ you. “It’s basic human nature to crave companionship. Sure, you can be happy as an elegant bachelorette, but don’t you get lonely?”

“I don’t need…”

“No, no, no. It isn’t about _need_.” She cuts you off with a wave of her hand. “You don’t _need_ someone, it’s just…” She trails off. Apparently keeping your thoughts straight is more difficult after a highball glass full of twenty-two percent alcohol. “Just, don’t you ever want to have fun?”

You regard Jade for a moment, thinking of your earlier response to this exact same question. What do you do for fun?

More like: what do you do for fun that isn’t similar to an elderly widow with a dozen flea-ridden cats?”

Answer: Nothing. Nothing at all.

“I’m… I’m gonna ask Dave to dance.” Jade grins at you. “I’m gonna do it right now.”

“He’s DJ-ing. I wouldn’t recommend ruining his groove.” You take another sip of your drink. “Go dance by yourself for a bit. I’ll wait here.”

Jade pats you on the shoulder and then skips from her stool to disappear into the blob of hormones grinding on the floor. You stare after her, only catching glimpses of her bushy hair every once and a while through the waves of wobbly limbs.

You’ll put in a good word for her next time you talk to Dave. Now that you think about it, those two would make a good couple.

“Soooo, howw are you liking your drink?” The bartender has returned.  Doesn’t he have other patrons to bother? He continues: “It’s a special blend of my owwn invvention, only served here at the…”

“It’s a little sour, if you really want to know.” You push the glass towards him. “Excuse me, please.”

Getting up from the bar, you make a bee-line for the restroom. You don’t really have to go, but taking a second to escape from the ruckus seems like a good idea at the moment. You’ll be back before Jade gets off the dance floor and hopefully be in possession of a much better disposition.

The second you push open the bathroom door though, this seems like an unlikely occurrence. The place is crowded with a giggling gaggle of gallivanting girls.

“Should we wake him up?” One girl asks.

“Hell no, this is classic!” Another answers.

You ignore them and step up to the sink, depositing your purse on the facet so that you can splash some cool water on your face.

“Let’s take his pants.”

“What are you going to do with his pants?”

“Fuck. I dunno. They’re pants, dude!”

“Let’s draw a mustache on his face. Oh, no! A penis!”

Looking up from the porcelain basin, you look in the mirror to see an odd sight behind you. The girls are crowded around the prone form of an unconscious boy, a very _familiar_ , unconscious boy.

“Hey!” You wheel around. “Get away from him!”

The girls turn to you now. The leader of the pack you recognize instantly to be Vriska Serket, biggest bitch with the most wicked-looking glass eye, which you would totally compliment her on if she wasn’t so rude and insensitive.

“Oh, looky here,” Vriska grins at you, flashing sharp canines. “It’s Loopy Lalonde. How’s it going, _Loopy_? I never pegged you as the type to hang around this place.”

You ignore her and step forward, brushing through the girls to kneel on the floor next to John Egbert.

“John?” You shake his arm gently.

“N- No.” He mumbles. “No. Not the bees…”

“John, wake up.”

Slowly, like a computer powering on, John opens his eyes.

“Rose?” He asks quizzically. “What are you doing in my room?”

All of the girls, huddled around the scene still, guffaw loudly. You grit your teeth.

“This isn’t your room, John. This is the ladies’ restroom at The Ruckus.”

He blinks at you, and then twists his head to look at his surroundings. You can practically see the gears turning in his head as he comes to terms with his current situation.

“What in the actual fuck?” He eventually proclaims, looking back at you with a frown. “Dammit! I must have fallen asleep on the job.”

“The job?” You echo and for the first time, you see what John is dressed in. He’s wearing a pair of rubber gloves and a smock over one of the club’s employee t-shirts. “You’re working as a janitor at The Ruckus of all places? Why?”

“Uh… Money?” His answer sounds more like a question.

“Because he likes rolling around with dirt! Isn’t that right, Lalonde?” Vriska’s voice is like metaphorical nails on your mental chalkboard. All the other girls laugh.

“Come on, John. Get up.” You grab his hand and pull him to his feet. “Let’s get out of here.”

However, instead of following you towards the door. John is glaring at the girls, Vriska in particular.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He demands.

“Oh, I dunno.” Vriska checks her nails. “Just that you have a knack for spending time with some… how can I put this? _Lower-quality_ girls.”

John clenches his fists and you grab him by the sleeve.

“Just leave it, John. She’s not worth…”

“Rose is ten times- a _billion_ times the girl you’ll ever be!” John tugs his arm from your grip to jab his finger at Vriska. “And I can hang out with whoever I want to.”

“Aw come on, John. You could do so much better than Rose.” Vriska’s eye gleams. “Just imagine if we hooked up. Power couple alert!”

The other girls nod in agreement.

John opens his mouth to speak, but you grab him by the arm again, this time being sure to dig your nails into his skin.

“Leave it, John.” You say firmly. “Let’s go.”

He looks ready to argue, but another squeeze on his bicep gets him to look at you. A third squeeze and he takes a step, then another. Soon enough, you’ve gotten him to the door.

“Oh, Rose!”

You turn back to Vriska.

“You forgot your purse!” She snatches your bag off the counter and proceeds to dump its contents on the floor. “Whoops! Silly me. Haha.”

John snaps.

“Ooooh my golden riiiings! Why are you so mean?!?” He descends and begins snatching up all of your crap. “Like seriously, is this how you make friends? God damn, you suck so much.”

“It was an accident.” She shrugs. “My bad. I’ll see you around, Egderp, Loopy.”

Vriska nods at you and with a final grin, leads her pack of super-sluts from the restroom and back into The Ruckus. John chases a bottle of nail polish into a stall while you collect a few scattered pens and pencils. If anything, Vriska sort of did you a favor. Half of the stuff you have in this stupid bag you don’t even use.

Like seriously, here’s that packet of peanut butter crackers that you’ve always planned to eat one day.

You won’t.

“Man, I’m sorry, Rose.” John returns and gives you back all the stuff he’s cradling in his arms. “That was really rude!”

“It’s alright. It’s my fault for leaving my belongings within arms-reach of that creten.” You sling your bag back over your arm. “Thanks for your help.”

 “I- uh, it was nothing.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Do you wanna get out of here?”

“The women’s restroom? Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.” You take him by the arm and this time lead him successfully from the room and back into the club. You don’t stop there. You take him all the way through the crowd and finally out, into the night air.

“Wow.” John says once you’re free. “Was Dave playing Liza Minnelli and Dio?”

“I believe so.” You pull away from John and lean against the wall. Through the plaster and brick, you can feel the vibrations of the bass. “So, Mr. Egbert. When were you going to tell me that you’ve been moonlighting as a janitor?”

John shoves his gloved hands into his pockets and kicks at the curb.

“I dunno. It really didn’t seem like something that needed sharing, you know?”

“If you’re having money troubles…”

“It’s not trouble.” He answers quickly, a little too quickly. “It’s just something to do. I get bored just going to school and chatting with you and Dave.”

“Does Jade know?”

“No, and what is this? Twenty questions.” He shrugs. “I could just use a few bucks here and there. We aren’t all smart enough to get super scholarships like you.”

You chuckle and John smiles.

“Still,” You fold your arms. “The Ruckus? Really? There are much higher paying jobs elsewhere, not to mention more tolerable ones. You could probably find someplace with better hours too. If you’re going to school all day and working all night, no wonder you’re taking naps on the bathroom floor.”

“I’m managing.” John defends, a little defensively. “What are you doing here anyways? I thought you hated crowds, and people, and drinking, and dancing now that I think about it.”

“Jade brought me.”

“Ah, yes. That explains it. I guess she’s still inside?”

“Of course.” You smile, remembering your conversation with her. “I promised to set her up with Dave.”

“Seriously?” John’s eyes widen. “That’s such bullshit! I could have hooked the two of them up and she knows that!”

“What can I say? Jade just thinks I’m a little more apt to handle a situation like this.”

“Pfft. Whatever.” He joins you on the wall. “I’m totally apt.”

“Sure.” You haven’t stopped smiling since you got outside. “So I suppose that you’d prefer for me to keep this little job a secret from Jade then?”

“Please.” John exhales deeply. “If she found out, she’d call Dad and then it’d be a whole debacle that I’d rather avoid if at all possible.”

“That’s understandable.”

The pair of you drift into silence then. It’s quiet in the parking lot, with no one else milling around either by the front of the club or in the parking lot. It’s cold too and a winter chill raises goosebumps on your exposed legs. John must see you shiver.

“Do you want to go back inside?” He asks.

“Oh, god no.” You shake your head. “I wouldn’t go back in there if my life depended on it. I’ll text Dave later and have him make sure Jade gets home. Who knows? That might be all I need to do to set their hormonal gears turning.”

“Hmmm.” John hums in agreement. Suddenly, he blurts: “I don’t think you’re dirt.”

You stare at him for a moment, taken aback by his outburst.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Vriska said that I like rolling around with dirt, but I don’t think that you’re dirt. I haven’t _‘rolled around’_ with you either. That’s just a nasty rumor someone started, not me. Haha.” He laughs nervously. “Th- that was rude of her to say. Also that whole _‘Loopy Lalonde’_ thing is really offensive! And it doesn’t even make any sense. I think you’re the most non-loopy person I’ve ever met, like you’re so smart that…”

You silence him by pressing your index finger to his flapping lips.

“John. I think I get what you’re trying to say.” You retract your finger. “It’s appreciated, really it is, but it is also entirely unnecessary. I wouldn’t have made it this far in my academic carrier without some toughened skin.”

“Well still… you don’t deserve that.”

“No one deserves…”

“Rose.” He suddenly lunges and grabs you by the shoulders. “Stop that, okay? I’m trying to say that _you_ deserve better than crap like that. No one should ever be mean to you because… well, because you’re awesome and smart and pretty and a million other things that I can’t even begin to list because it would take too fucking long.” His face grows red before your very eyes. “I mean, I think you should just know that.”

Suddenly, as he finishes his second tyraid, it clicks in your mind. You, Rose Lalonde, have been acting like an idiot for the past five minutes, possibly longer.

“John.” You wink at him. “You wouldn’t happen to have a _crush_ on me, would you?”

His face goes from red to purple and for a moment, you fear that he’s stopped breathing entirely.

“I- I… what?” He splutters. “Rose…

“Hey,” You slide your hands up his arms and eventually cup his face in your small hands. “It’s alright. I understand.”

As you kiss him, outside of The Ruckus and with his soiled, gloved hands around your waist. You wonder how much time you and John wasted by being friends. You wonder if maybe Jade knew what she was doing when she brought you here tonight. Could she and Dave have set this up themselves? Surely, Dave, who DJ’d almost every weekend, would notice if his best friend was cleaning the urinals in the bathroom.

Then you remember what Jade said about companionship and fun. Then, for once in your life, you make a conscious effort to not dissect this situation. You simply close your eyes and kiss.


	2. Gotta Use the Sword (Dave/Jade)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt by adreamingsongbird
> 
> "Pacific Rim AU where Dave and his sister are drift compatible and Jade is the cute-as-fuck technician/engineer always lecturing them to be more careful in the jaeger because she always has to fix it"

**Chapter Two: Gotta Use the Sword**

 “I think we should use the sword.”

“No. We’re not using the sword.”

“Why not?”

“Because it will most likely be ineffective.”

“Ineffective? What the hell are you talking about, Lalonde? It’s a G.D. _sword_ , not a feather duster.”

“I understand your affinity for weapons of barbaric nature, but try and school your testosterone fueled impulses for a second and examine this situation as a whole.” Rose Lalonde, one of the best Jaeger pilots in the western hemisphere, adjusted the external display to highlight a Kaiju a mere four hundred yards away. “See the toughened armor plating on the exterior? You’re going to need more than a simple blade to pierce that. I recommend using the targeting lasers to pinpoint our attack to weak points in the armor.”

“Naw. I’m totally gonna use the sword.” Dave Strider, Rose’s brother and drift partner, began to fiddle with his controls.

“Dave. I swear, if you pull out that sword…”

“What are you gonna do? Nag me to death?”

Rose’s eyebrows knitted dangerously.

“I will call _mom_.”

Dave’s hand faltered, but only slightly. Only Rose would stoop low enough to play _that_ card.

“How professional of you.” Dave scoffed, resuming his work. “Go ahead and call her, after you’re done being a sorry tattle tale, I’ll be sure to tell her how awesome it was when I sliced this Kaiju in half with a motherfucking sword.”

“You’re jeopardizing this mission.”

“And you’re being a prude.” Dave’s fingers hovered above the final button that would initiate the deployment of a _hyper-sword_ , standard close-range equipment for all Jaegers. “Pull the stick out of your ass and loosen up. What’s the worst that could happen?”

* * *

“So let me get this straight.” Jade Harley messaged the bridge of her nose beneath her glasses. “You somehow managed to lose not just one, but _both_ of the arms!”

Dave and Rose sat before her, raw masses of cuts, bruises, and various other wounds, most of which were inflicted upon their dignity.

“You can thank Beatrix Kiddo over here for this one, Jade.” Rose casted her brother a sideways glare. “He got a little trigger happy, or should I say: _blade_ happy at a rather inopportune moment.”

“I had her on the ropes.” Dave said in defense, as he pressed an ice pack to a bump of alarming size on his forehead. “Bitch took a cheap shot though and pulled a fucking atomic leg drop out of nowhere.”

“I seem to remember warning you about the impeding leg drop a good ten seconds before it was fully executed. To which you responded: _‘No worries, Sis. I got this.’_ ”

“We took him down eventually.”

“Only because I used the targeting lasers!”

“That’s enough!” Jade interjected before Dave could counter. “I don’t care what goes on out there in your little bickering pod! The only thing I’m worried about is what the hell I’m going to do about poor _Sammy_!”

“Whoa. Take a step back there, Harley.” Dave cautioned. “How many times do I gotta say that our Jaeger isn’t named freaking _Sammy_? It’s _Salmon Supreme_ : mighty fish slayer of the deep south.  I mean, Christ. How hard is that to remember?”

“I thought we agreed his name was _Janet Van Dyne_?” Rose said with a frown.

“You can’t name a boy robot ‘ _Janet_ ’. It’s too sexually confusing.”

“Oh, but you can name him _Salmon Supreme_? That sounds like an entrée at a low-end Mexican restaurant.”

Jade, who was accustomed to the frequent bickering of the Strider-Lalonde siblings, was about to cut in once more, when the door suddenly opened with a pneumatic hiss.

“You guys are not going to believe this,” John Egbert entered, with the biggest, doofiest smile plastered across his face. “That Kaiju you guys took down was a level _three_. That’s the biggest one we’ve gotten this far inland and oh man, that plating. Have you seen it’s natural armor yet, Jade? It’s incredible! She’s a regular Iron Man. Or I guess, Iron Monster really, but…”

“John.” Dave raised his hand to silence his friend. “Chill it out with the monster fanboyism for a second. We all know you have a huge boner for them, so there’s really no need to make it _this_ painfully obvious.”

John’s face fell. As a top researcher on Kaiju’s he could go on and on for hours about the various types, the various abilities, and even the various social behavior witnessed among the gigantic sea monsters. Very few had the wherewithal to put up with these rants. Dave in particular found it to be wearisome.

“Don’t mind _him_ , John.” Rose casted Dave another sour look. “What were you saying about the Kaiju’s exoskeleton?”

Straightening his tie, John continued:

“Well I was just saying that it’s the most evolved we’ve ever seen! Usually we just see individual plates or groupings around vital organs and what not, but this is the first, _fully_ armored Kaiju that’s ever been recorded!” John grinned widely. “Isn’t this exciting?”

“It doesn’t sound exciting to me.” Dave commented. “It sounds like these things are getting tougher.”

“Which is why it’s all the more important to proceed with caution when engaging them.” Rose was the queen of dishing out loaded barbs such as these. Dave, luckily enough, was also the king of not giving a fuck. They were a good team. “If you ask me, we were lucky to make it out of this encounter alive.”

For the first time, John fully regarded his two friends and their battered states.

“Oh, man.” He breathed. “You guys look like you could use a nap.”

“Or a nice, long bath.” Rose stood up from her chair and began wobbling towards the door. “I’m clocking out for the day. Let me know how the repairs go with _Janet Van Dyne_ , Jade.”

“I’ll walk you out.” John took Rose’s arm and together, the pair exited.

It was silent in the room for a moment. Dave shifted his ice pack awkwardly and tried not to wince, all the while thinking of some way he could escape without…

“So are you going to apologize?” Jade’s voice was like steel.

“Yeah. I am.”

“Well?”

Dave sighed and looked at Jade fully. She was leaning against a workbench, arms folded, eyebrows raised, and lip quirked. There’s nothing worse than a girl who looks sexy when they’re upset. Motivation to do the right thing becomes scarce in such scenarios.

“I’m sorry for going against protocol, arguing with my drift partner on the job, and loosing _Salmon Supreme’s_ arms.” Dave’s voice was monotone, as he recited this well rehearsed line. “I’m a big dummy head and I don’t deserve a mechanical engineer who’s as good as you.”

“And?”

“And you’re pretty.”

“Mmmm?”

“I mean, you’re the prettiest girl in the whole wide world.” Dave finished with a groan.

Jade smiled.

“That’s better.” Pushing away from the workbench, she plopped down in Rose’s vacated chair and took the ice pack from Dave’s hand. “Let me see that. You’re supposed to lightly ice the wound, not smother it.”

“I think you’re making that up as an excuse to be sit next to me.” Dave winced again as she reapplied the ice.

“Yeah, well. I think you’re full of it.” Despite herself, Jade giggled.  “I’m glad you’re okay, Dave. When I heard that your Jaeger was in critical condition, I…”

“I’m fine.” Dave cut her off. “Rose is fine. Everything is fine.”

Jade just nodded, her mouth suddenly drawn into a thin line. After a few seconds of silence, she continued:

“Do you think you’re right?” She asked. “Are these _monsters_ really getting stronger?”

“It seems that way.”

Jade’s hand found Dave’s and their fingers interlocked slowly, tentatively, as if they were in danger of getting caught.

“I don’t know how much longer we can keep this up.” Jade spoke quietly. “We’ve already lost the west coast and the Japanese islands. We’re being pushed further and further east every day. It feels like…” She paused. “It feels like we’re going to _lose_.”

Dave tightened his grip on her fingers.

“I swear. Everything is going to be fine, Jade.” He said.

Leaning over their joined hands, Dave pressed a quick kiss to her temple.

“I hope you’re right.” Jade murmured. “I _really_ do.”


	3. Shit. Let's be Santa (Dave/Jade)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For wisdom-of-me
> 
> This is a little gift for my pal wisdom-of-me for adreamingsongbird's secret santa group. It was a lot of fun to write and I'm semi-happy with how it turned out. It's DaveJade, with a healthy dose of JohnRose because I'm weak.

**Chapter Three: Shit. Let’s be Santa.**

For [wisdom-of-me](http://wisdom-of-me.tumblr.com/)

 

Twas the night before Christmas, and together on LOHAC,

everyone was celebrating this holiday throwback.

 Fore there would never be anymore nights such as this,

 not since our sweet beta kids turned the earth into mist.

 

“It was really nice of Dave to throw this party,” Said John.

 “He even went out and bought us some flan!”

 

“This Flan is out of date.” Grumbled Rose without cheer.

“John, I forget as to why we even came here.”

 

“To celebrate, of course. Tomorrow’s December twenty-fifth!

It’s our job to make sure that Christmas doesn’t fade into myth.”

 

“While the intentions may be good, I can’t help but fear,

That Dave will somehow taint your Christmas so dear.

Smuppets, apple juice, and rubbish rhymes galore.

Please, let us abscond home before our ears are rapped sore.”

 

Before John could urge his friend to give this party a chance,

Jade waltzed in, doing a sweet holiday dance.

 

“Oh me! Oh my!” The girl spun with glee.

“Isn’t this the greatest party you ever did see?”

 

“No one is even here,” Rose gestured around Dave’s apartment, where no one was festing,

Save for the Mayor, who wore a holiday sweater that was quite fetching.

“I do not understand how you guys can be so forgiving.

Dave has truly thrown a party for this holiday that is most unfitting.”

 

“More people will show up.” Reassured Jade. “You’ll see.”

In the meantime, who wants to help me decorate this awesome Christmas tree?!”

 

Rose sat and watched as Jade and John got to work,

Merrily tossing tinsel and ornaments onto a tree chopped by Dirk.

_“This isn’t Christmas.”_ Fumed Rose silently,

_“There are a million and one other places that I’d rather be._

_I have spells to craft and books to read._

_I’m simply here because I followed John’s lead.”_

 

 _“I’ll just slip away.”_ She thought as she rose from her chair.

_“Everyone will be happier without a scrooge in their hair.”_

 

But before she could make it out the door and escape,

Dave sauntered in, dripping LOFAF snow from his red god-tier cape.

 

“Going somewhere, Lalonde?” He greeted with a smirk.

“The party’s just getting started. Take a seat, you big jerk.”

 

“Just getting started, huh?” Rose mocked, looking out into the hall.

“Where’s everyone else? My invitation boasted of a party not small.”

 

“There’s been some trouble,” Admitted Dave. “My invitations yielded no profit.

They were all sent back with that mail-babe from Prospit.”

                                                                                                                                                                           

“So no one else is coming?” Asked Jade with a frown.

 

“Nope.” Answered Dave. “Just us and the Mayor of Can Town.”

 

“That’s awful! Sorry, Mayor. I don’t mean to be rude.

It’s just that I spent so much time cooking all this Christmas food.”

 

“Not to mention, we’ve got all of these presents for them.” Added John.

“I was really looking forward to giving Vriska my copy of Wrath of Kahn.”

 

“Screw it!” Jade threw her hands in the air. “We can’t give up just because things look grim.”

“If they won’t come to Christmas, then we’ll just bring Christmas to them!”

 

Jade’s eyes lit up as she was struck by a sudden thought,

She had an idea insure that all her hard work wasn’t for naught.

Together, she and her friends would travel the night sky,

Delivering presents and gifts to all who refused to stop by.

 

“Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?” She asked.

 

Everyone but Dave, understood what they’d been tasked.

 

“A Christmas adventure!” John clapped in applause.

“I’ve wanted to do this since I saw ‘ _The Santa Clause’_!”

 

“We’ll need a sleigh! And reindeer! And Rudolph too!”

 

“Guys,” Said Rose. “I think you should pause and really think this through.

Being Santa for a night isn’t all games and fun.

Our troll friends live on the furthest reaches of the green sun.

It’ll take all night for your Christmas plans to come true.”

 

“Come on, Rose.” Urged John. “Do you have anything better to do?”

 

“Well, as a matter of fact, there are other places where I am missed.”

 

“But none,” Interrupted Jade “As cool and fun as this!

You’re right Rose, this isn’t going to be easy!

That’s why we need you to stay! Pretty pleeeasy!”

 

As Rose looked at Jade’s sad, puppy dog eyes,

She couldn’t bring herself to fabricate anymore lies.

Because in truth, if Rose wasn’t there,

She’d be back home, alone, with only a book to give care.

 

Lalonde made a decision, one that was wise,

To stay and help her friends, in their quest through the skies.

 

“Fine, let’s do this. You can count me in.

I suppose it isn’t so bad to do something silly now and then.”

 

With their party now consisting of three,

Jade expectantly turned to Dave and waited for him to agree.

 

“Pretending to be Santa is ironic.” Dave said with a shrug.

“Especially when- oof!” Jade cut him off with a hug.

 

“I knew I could count on you!” She grinned into his chest.

“You’re a good friend, some might even say the best!”

 

“Yeah, heh, _friend_.” Dave muttered, as he stuck his hand in his pocket

And clutched a very romantic, bejeweled, and sexy-looking locket.

 

 _“Tonight is the night_.” He thought, with resolve like steel.

_“It’s time to nut up and tell Jade how you feel._

_You’ll give her your present, maybe get a smooch in return,_

_And throw some logs onto this relationship fire you’ve always wanted to burn.”_

With his plan set, like stone in his mind,

Dave turned his attention to getting his friends out of their Christmas bind.

 

“So,” He said. “I guess we can call this party a wash,

And instead get to work playing Santa. Like a boss.

We only have a few hours left until Christmas day,

So I guess we better get started building this G.D. sleigh.”

 

Jade grabbed some paper, a few pens too,

And began to imagine what they would need to make a sleigh that flew.

 

“We’ll need an engine.” She decided. “With over 5,300,000 newtons of thrust!”

“Some seatbelts, a windshield, and a radio is a must!

There’s some stuff at my house that I know we can use.

Come on, guys. Let’s go! There’s no time to lose.”

 

John, Rose, and Dave watched as Jade sprinted from the room,

Her little heart set on saving Christmas from doom.

After a moment of waiting, Jade walked back in.

 

“Uh, sorry. Got a little excited. Haha. Let me just teleport us then.”

 

“That’d be a good idea,” Said John with a laugh,

Then, with a flash of green, our group jumped to LOFAF.

 

Our heroes got to work, quickly crafting the tools

That they’d need to teach Christmas to all of those ignorant, troll fools.

 

Jade built the engine with her impressive tech knowledge

That would have impressed anyone from a pretentious, high-level college.

John used his hammer and crafted the sleigh,

That would definitely need to complete their mission before day.

 

Rose plotted their course with a compass and a few maps,

And lastly, Dave kept them motivated with some bodacious holiday raps:

 

“The door bell rings. Check it. The party’s here  
I’m spinnin these records, like it’s New Year  
Walkin’ ’round the house. Baby, who’s Da Man?  
Ain’t nobody do it like Strider can?”

 

Rose turned to John and gave him a pointed look.

John shrugged in response. Dave could have done worse in his book.

 

After hours and hours of laborious toil,

Jade topped off their creation with a tiny star made of foil.

They all stood back to admire what they had done.

 

“Alright” Jade grinned.”Now here comes the fun!

Let’s load up the presents, the gifts, and the treasure

And get to dishing out some much-needed holiday pleasure.”

 

As all the gifts were stacked on the sleigh up high,

John was struck with a thought that caused him to sigh.

 

“What’s the matter, John?” Asked Rose with concern,

Since what could cause him woe was impossible for her to discern.

 

“Oh nothing!” Said John, attempting to save some face.

“Now isn’t really the time for this, or the place.”

 

“I don’t understand. What’s got you all flustered?

Was it something you ate? Was it my home-made custard?”

 

“No. No. You’re cooking was fine!

That has nothing to do with this anguish of mine.

To tell you the truth, it’s not anything unpleasant.”

He groaned. “I just forgot to get you a present.”

 

Rose was taken aback with John’s self-imposed guilt,

As she watched his once-joyous expression start to wilt.

 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” She gave him a tender embrace.

“The only gift I need is to see your smiling face.”

 

John rolled his eyes. “That was incredibly corny.”

 

“Yeah, I know, but it’s better than being thorny.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with thorns, especially on roses.”

 

“You really think so?” She whispered as they gently touched noses.

 

“Yeah.” John found himself, frozen in place,

With his lips mere inches from sweet Rose’s face.

 

“You should tell me more about this thorn fascination.”

Rose muttered, as her heart fluttered with that romantic vibration.

 

Jade and Dave watched from afar as their companions locked lips,

Rose’s arms around his neck and John’s around her hips.

 

“Isn’t that the cutest, Dave?” Jade asked with a sigh.

“Oh shit.” She blinked. “I think I’m gonna cry.”

 

Dave fumed in silence, as Jade continued to watch in wonder

His best bro was stealing all the romantic thunder!

How could Dave possibly expect to top this?

Nothing could beat the classic, Christmas-time kiss.

 

He couldn’t give up though. Dave still had to try.

He’d have to be an idiot to let tonight’s opportunity pass by.

 

_“I just gotta wait for the perfect time to strike.”_

He thought as he watched Jade heft a present that was obviously a bike.

 

While Rose and John finished eating each other’s faces,

Dave and Jade climbed aboard the sleigh and took up their places.

 

“I’ll drive.” Said Jade, as she manically grinned with glee.

“After all, I built this thing. No one can fly it better than me.”

 

“I dunno.” Said Dave. “You haven’t even passed your driver’s test.”

 

“And neither did you.” Jade couldn’t help but jest.

“Face it, Dave. I’m the most qualified here

to fly a sleigh that isn’t run by reindeer.”

 

Dave just nodded he wasn’t going to argue,

He just buckeled up and called the rest of their aircrew:

 

“Yo, Comet and Vixen. Climb on up here.

Jade’s about to kick this night into gear.

And also this sleigh is a make-out free zone,

Offenders of that rule get their butt dropped off at home.”

 

“Yeah. Yeah. Whatever.” Rose rolled her eyes,

Despite the fact that her cheeks were red as cherry pies.

Because as John helped up into the sweet, sci-fi sled,

She couldn’t help but pleased with where their friendship had led.

 

Anyways, Jade said: “Is everyone on board?”

When all friend’s nodded, the gas was suddenly floored.

 

They rose off the ground and flew out of the garage door,

And took the sky, and man, did that sleigh soar.

 

“Oh my _Christmas_ rings!” Gasped John. “I can’t believe it works!”

 

“Of course it does. Engineering is one of my many cool perks!”

Then as Jade cranked the radio to get the smooth jams flowing,

She called back to her friend: “So, Rosey. Where are we going?”

 

“Well,” Rose unfurled her map. “Let me see…

I’ll say our first stop is the Land of Little Cubes and Tea.

That’s where we’ll find Nepeta, Equius, and Aradia too.”

 

Jade altered their course and to LOLCAT they flew.

 

For Equius, Dave gave him a new pair of flawless and unbroken shades

And for Nepeta some new boots with which she could frolic through the sugary glades.

 

“What’s this?” Asked Aradia when she was handed her gift.

 

“A movie.” Answered John. “To hopefully bridge our cultural rift.

It’s Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,

Watch and learn, you little Time Maid.”

 

Before Aradia could question him more,

Jade revved the sleigh with a mighty roar,

And then they flew away into the night,

Up into the clouds and out of sight.

 

“Alright,” Said Rose. “That’s three gifts out of the way.

So there’s nine presents more left in this sleigh.

Our next stop should be the Land of Dew and Glass.”

 

“No way. Eridan’s there. That dude can kiss my ass.”

 

Dave folded his arms in defiance.

There wasn’t a person alive who liked that lame wizard of science.

 

“Oh, give him a break.” Said John. “It’s Christmas Eve!

No hate allowed, not even against your pet peeve.”

 

“John’s right.” Added Jade as she flew them to LODAG.

“I got Eridan a gift, despite him being a dirt bag.

That’s just the way you’re supposed to act during the holiday season,

but that doesn’t mean I won’t break his nose if he gives me a reason.”

 

John laughed and Rose smiled, while Dave fought a smirk.

If Jade was here, he could probably put up with that fishy ‘ol jerk.

But when they swooped down to LODAG he was put to the test,

When Eridan swaggered up, wearing a gaudy holiday vest.

 

Behind him stood Feferi with Sollux at her shoulder,

John was quick to dash down and hand Sollux a folder.

 

“Here’s some code that I think you’d like to try.”

 

“You could have emailed me this. What’s the point of a fly by?”

 

John answered Sollux’s question with a simple shrug,

Then dashed back to the sleigh after giving Feferi a quick hug.

 

“Here you go, Feferi!” Then Jade threw her a parcel.

The fish princess caught it and her eyes began to sparkle.

 

She opened it up to find a regular compact disc.

Jade had done well, since the gift of music is never a risk.

 

“Wwhere’s my gift?” Eridan’s voice grated like a choir of tone-deaf singers.

Jade simply grinned and gave him a pair of upside-down middle fingers.

 

“Catch you later, nerd.” Dave called with a smirk.

Fore even on Christmas no one cared for that wizardly jerk.

 

“I thought we were going to be nice.” Piped Rose as they flew away.

 

“Yeah, I considered it.” Responded Jade. “We’ll just save being nice for another day.”

 

With that matter settled and laid to rest,

It was time to deliver the final gifts of their quest.

Their last stop was one of pure luck; I’ll have you know,

as Karkat, Terezi, Kanaya, and all the rest were on the Land of Thought and Flow.

 

Down to the planet, our questing group flew through the trees,

Up to Terezi’s hive where Jade parked the sleigh with ease.

It was Karkat who opened the door after John quickly knocked.

His faced twisted with many emotions, none pleasantly shocked.

 

“What the name of sweet wriggler Jegus, are you doing here this late?”

 

“We’re here to spread joy! Or at least give you gifts at any rate.”

 

“We don’t want gifts…” Grouchy Karkat began,

But was quickly overruled by the rest of his clan.

They came to the door, shoving him out of the way,

And ushered in our heroes to wrap up this play.

 

There was Terezi, Kanaya, Vriska, Tavros, and Gamzee,

All looking forward to getting some cool stuff for free.

 

“This is for you, Gamzee.” Said John as he passed him the poorly wrapped bike.

“It goes with all of those horns that I know you really like.”

 

“The last thing he needs with those horns is a bicycle.”

Grumbled Karkat whose heart was as cold as an icicle.

 

No one paid him any attention though,

They were too caught up with all the wicked holiday glow

And continued to pass out sweet holiday loot,

Including some mittens, some candy, and a nice-looking flute.

 

“I knitted you some mittens,” Rose’s gift to Kanaya was full of compassion.

“Although, I can’t be for sure. I believe they are now the height of fashion.”

 

“Yo, Tz.” Said Dave. “I got you some more red chalk.

So now you can eat that weird stuff round the clock.”

 

“I got you this, Tavros.” Jade passed him a hard hat.

“Now don’t have to worry about being used as a floor mat.

You can ride around safely without fear of falling and getting hurt

Or maybe use it as a bowl to eat some dessert!”

 

“That’s just stupid.” Muttered Tavros quite sadly,

Although he accepted the gift, since he was in need of a good helmet quite badly.

 

“This is for you Vriska.” Said John,

As he handed the troll girl his copy of Wrath of Kahn.

“It’s a pretty good film that I think you might enjoy.

It’s got Kirk, Spock, Scotty, and even McCoy!”

 

Vriska frowned as she examined the films cover art,

Unsure of what to say or even where to start.

She was truly surprised that John was being so kind

And asked the only question that was currently on her mind.

 

“Does it have Nic Cage?” She asked, referring to the movie.

 

“Uh, no. But it does have John Winston. He’s pretty groovy.”

 

“Eh. Whatever. This will have to do I guess.”

 

John smiled at his friend, happy that his gift was a success.

 

“Last but not least, Karkat. This final gift’s for you!

It’s a really nice card that John gladly drew!”

 

Jade bounced over and gave the last gift of the night,

A really shitty card that was truly quite the sight.

John had done his best to make a present full of heart,

However he probably should have let someone else do the drawing part.

  
Karkat opened the card and heaved a mighty sigh,

For what he saw scrawled on the paper could probably make a young child cry.

 

“What’s this supposed to be?” He asked. “A parrot in a tree?

Who’s that asshole inside that boat? Is that supposed to be me?

Jegus, John. What is this crap?” Karkat had the nerve to demand.

 

“It’s an abstract piece.” Shrugged John. “I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

 

“Get out! All of you! Get the hell out of this hive!

And take that stupid sleigh thing too, before I flay all of you alive!”

 

Laughing and whooping and hollering with glee,

Our heroes absconded, young, wild, and free.

Fore they had succeed on saving this holiday night,

And even braved Karkat, whose rage was usually quite a fright.

 

The green sun began to rise and color the medium a dull yellow,

washing away the chilling night and  making everything more mellow.

 

“It’s nearly morning.” Said Rose. “I believe our quest is done.

It would be unfortunate for us to oversleep and miss Christmas morning fun.”

 

“I’ll drop you off, Rose.”  Jade set a quest of LOLAR.

“Good work tonight, guys. Give yourself a gold star!”

I think we all made this night a holiday to remember.

I’m more pumped than ever for next year’s December!”

 

Everyone else in the sleigh couldn’t help but agree,

Since chilling with your friends is greater than any present you might find under a tree.

Plus, it’s good to take a break from all the heavy stuff,

No battles or killing, just lots and lots of fluff!

 

“Did you have a good time, Rose?” Asked John as they stood outside her door.

“I mean, I hope you don’t think about tonight as some kind of silly chore.”

 

“I assure you.” Rose stood on her tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss.

“Tonight was nothing but an endless source of bliss.

You can count on me to never miss a get-together,

Since what am I without my fellow birds of a feather?”

 

Then with a final wink and wave, she disappeared inside,

Leaving John on the door step with a grin that was most wide.

 

“Come on, Egbert.” Dave said to his friend. “That’s enough of that grinning.

You’ll have plenty of time with Rose later, if you know what I’m spinning.

For now though, I think that’s enough for one night.

Let’s get you home before the Christmas is over, alright?”

 

John followed his Bro back to their neat sleigh,

Silently imaging his goodbye with Rose over again on replay.

 

Throughout the whole ride back to LOWAS he thought,

 About all the sweet things this wonderful night had brought.

Cheer and friendship and karma and love,

And that’s about all the stuff that John think of.

 

“Later, Bro.” Dave and Jade said together,

As they left their friend behind on the land of windy weather.

 

The last two kids flew away into the sky,

Not really sure if they were all that ready to say goodbye.

Dave had yet to give Jade her special locket

And with little time left he gritted his teeth and said: “Scew it.”

 

“What’s wrong?” Asked Jade, surprised by his outburst.

 

There was no turning back. Dave dived in head-first.

 

He did what she least expected and grabbed her by the hand.

 

“This isn’t a perfect moment.” He said. “But I’ll hope you understand.”

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the small, square box.

 

Jade’s eyes lit up. “What’s in there? Some socks?”

 

“Eh. No not really. Something more expensive.”

Dave was starting to feel more and more apprehensive.

“I got you something to show how special you are.”

 

“Is it some mittens? A cool hat? Omg! A candy bar??!”

 

“Jegus Christ, can you give me a chance.

I’m really sick of this romantic song and dance.

It’s obvious, Jade, that we belong with each other.

I just hope I wasn’t upstaged by your doofus ecto-brother.”

 

Jade felt strong affection for the hero of clocks,

But was it really enough to justify the gift in the box?

Of course. She thought. Her love for Dave was true.

It was dizzying to look back on how their relationship had grew.

 

“I think you’re right.” She said. “About us being together, I mean.

After all, you’re probably about the hottest guy that I’ve ever seen.”

 

“Well that goes without saying.” Said Dave with a smirk.

“The only question now is whether or not this will work?”

 

“Will what work?” Asked Jade with confusion.

“I thought we already agreed on our relationship fusion.”

 

Dave didn’t answer her question, at least not verbally.

Instead he opened the box and showed his gift to dear, sweet Harley.

 

“I got you a locket.” He stated the obvious,

And lifted the jewelry from the box, sure to be cautions.

 

“Oh, Dave.” Jade gasped in surprise,

As the jewelry sparkled and glinted in her eyes.

“I can’t accept this. It’s simply to nice!

I don’t have a gift for you that could possibly suffice!”

 

“I don’t need anything from you. Not now. Not ever.

It’s just like Rose said, we’re two birds of a feather.

Just tell me one thing, before we set this in stone.

Are you cool with us together? Just me and me alone?”

 

“Of course.” Said Jade. “You’re perfect for me.”

“There’s nowhere in the universe that I’d rather be.”

Fore Jade never yearned for another place,

As long as they were together, time and space.


	4. Glenn's Gauntlet (John/Roxy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to scotlandnmerica for the prompt!
> 
> This is a little JohnRoxy ficlet that just so happens to take place on Valentine’s Day. Even though this little diddy isn’t all that romantic or Valentine’s Day-ish, it was still fun to write and I hope you enjoy it.

**Chapter Four: Glenn's Gauntlet**

There were many things that Roxy Lalonde loved about the world post-SBURB. World hunger wasn’t a thing, Siberian tigers weren’t in danger of going extinct, and you could walk into any bookstore without the fear of finding it to be some stupid coffee-shop-hybrid. No longer would one have to navigate the selves, stepping over fifty or so independent artists strewn across the floor working on their next _‘masterpiece’_ and sipping on their newfangled coffee.

Seriously, why do people do that? Do they think that all the books around them are going to give them some magic writing powers or something? As if! Go home and write, you big old jerk.

Anyways, it was with great pep that Roxy stepped through the front doors of a cozy, little bookshop and escaped the chill of late winter. It was the day before Valentine’s Day and she had taken the initiative to find the perfect romantic gift for her boyfriend of six months, the one and only John Egbert.

“Hello there, young miss!” Cheered a kindly old man behind the counter. He was old as shit, with a wiry tuft of white hair atop his head and a set of thick glasses perched on the end of his pointed nose. “What can I do for you today?”

“I’m looking for a gift for V-Day.” Explained Roxy excitedly. She tried to peer past the old man towards the many bookshelves as she spoke. “It’s for my boyfriend. I’m trying to get him into reading and I _reeaaaally_ want to find something that will hold his interest for longer than twenty minutes.”

“Looking for a real attention grabber, eh?” The clerks eyes twinkled and he dove a hand beneath the counter. “I’ve got just the thing! This here is an old gem, passed down to me by my father and given to him by his own father before that! I’m willing to part with it though, for the right price of course.”

He produced a large tome, bound in dark leather and inscribed with a styalized skull symbol on the front cover. It fell with a heavy _thunk_ onto the counter and spewed a puff of dust onto the front of Roxy’s sweater.

“What’s it about?” She questioned, as she gently prodded the book with a stiff finger. It looked like some serious necronomicon witchcraft mess, the likes of which Rose Lalonde would probably leap at the chance to curl up with in the darkness of her bedroom, surrounded by ethereal incents and a distinct lack of cheer.

“Well, now. Do I look like the type of fella to spoil a good story?” The wizened clerk, who was already grinning like a loon, somehow managed to stretch his smile a fraction of an inch wider. “What say ye, young lass? Do you think this would tickle your beau’s fancy?”

“Maybe…” Roxy rubbed at her chin, wished that she had a beard, and stared pointedly at the book in thought. It didn’t look like the type of story John would be interested in and Roxy would really dislike to waste her hard-earned money on an over-sized paperweight. However, there was something about this particular book, and the alluring vagueness around it, that piqued her interested…

 “How much?” She asked, digging into her wallet.

Later that evening, Roxy lounged on her bed in her crappy studio apartment, barely visible beneath a veritable mountain of plushy stuffed animals and blankets. A flashing gameboy was clutched tightly in her hands and her cell phone sat cradled against her shoulder.

“… and then Dave was all like: ‘ _that’s what you get when you let your heart win!’”_

“Hahaha.” Roxy snorted with laughter. “Fucking got ‘em.”

“I know, right?” John chuckled along on the other end of the line. “Heh, so anyways enough about me, what did _you_ do today?”

“Nothing much.” Roxy looked away from her game long enough to cast a glance towards the end of her bed, where John’s new book sat yet to be wrapped. “I did a little shopping, met Jane for lunch, and now I’m kicking some Robotnik ass on planet Mobius.”

“Haha. Nice.” There was a pause, then John’s voice lost it’s joking quality. “Hey, I was just thinking, are you sure that you’re still free for tomorrow? I know that I kind of sprung this up on you at the last minute and everything, and I really don’t want to inconvenience you, but I just seriously want our first Valentine’s together to be awesome and...”

“Babe, babe.” She cut him off mid-way through his awkward, rambly spiel. “For the last time: I wouldn’t miss tomorrow for anything, I promise you that. Lunch in the park and then a intimate screening of _‘Drive Angry’_ , come on. That’s prime-time for some true love sweet love romancey goodness!”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah! Of course I do. It’ll be great and I’ll absolutely love it, so stop your worrying.”

“Well, fine. If you say so.”

“Your damn right.” Roxy checked her watch. “Crap, I gotta go. I need to wrap your gift and catch some shut eye. Don’t want to be a Sleepy Susan during our date.”

“Aw, okay.” There was a rustling sound as John adjusted his grip on the phone. “I hope you didn’t spend too much money on my gift, Roxy. I told you like a dozen times that I didn’t need anything.”

“Uh. Forgive me if I’m mistaken, but I was under the impression that we both agreed this was a worry-free zone, Johnny.”

“Okay, okay, sorry.” He chuckled again, the soft noise bring a smirk to Roxy’s lips. “Goodnight, Roxy. Don’t let the bed bugs bite!”

“Ditto! I- uh…” Suddenly, Roxy gripped the phone tighter, her game forgotten. “I love you.”

There was silence for a moment, then:

“Oh, well… I love you too, Roxy.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

“Ttyl.”

“Yeah.”

Roxy hung up and spent a few seconds staring at her phone, smirking slightly once again and enjoying the pleasantly warm buzz in her chest. She had said it. She had finally said it. It had been spontaneous and thrilling and it was out there and irretrievable and… he had reciprocated.

Mega score for RoLal.

Still giddy, Roxy leapt from her bed to floor, unintentionally jostling her plushies and actually knocking John’s gift to the rug.

The book landed on it’s spine and tipped open, revealing it’s off-white pages to the ceiling. Shaking her head, Roxy stooped the retrieve the book, but before she could so much as touch it all abruptly shit broke loose.

A cloud of black smoke erupted from the book, bolts of red lightening arced across the pages, and as Roxy backed away quickly, a disembodied voice rumbled with the power of a thousand earthquakes, rattling the very ribs in her chest.

“Hahahaha!!! YEEESSS!!!” The voice boomed. “My time has finally come at last!”

“Wh- what the fuck?!” Roxy cried, as she pulled her collar up over her nose to protect herself from the acrid smog. “What is this? What the hell is going on?!”

“YOU!” The voice continued, unperturbed. “Human, prepare yourself for an adventure like no other!”

As quickly as the smoke cloud arrived, it disappeared, to reveal that the book was now floating at eye level across from Roxy. It was open still and the yellowing pages were devoid of neigh word nor pictogram.

“This is a joke, right? I mean someone has got to be joshing me. Is this you, Jane? Are you trying to increase the rank of your silly prankster’s gambit again?”

“Silence! This is no time for joshing. Instead, prepare yourself for a spectacular tale, one in which _you_ are the main character!”

“Whoa.” Roxy squinted at the floating book. “So is this like some ‘choose your own adventure’ thing?”

“No! It’s a life or death quest of majesty!” Corrected the book, with more than a little exasperation. “You will be deciding your own fate with every turn of the page.”

“Sounds like a ‘choose your own adventure’ thing to me.”

“No, dammit! This is real! Just- ugh, come on!” Suddenly the pages of the book began to turn rapidly, as if beaten by strong breeze. A tingling sensation started in Roxy’s toes and crept up her legs into her chest. The world began to spin, the book began to glow, and a startled shriek tore itself from Roxy’s lips as she was quite unexpectedly sucked forward into the book!

The pages stopped turning, the covers snapped shut, and the book fell to the ground.

Roxy was gone.

* * *

 

When she opened her eyes next, Roxy was quick to deduce that she was no longer in her apartment. The walls and floor had turned a dull grey and all of her belongings had disappeared, replaced by empty space. She was in a long corridor now, which stretched far beyond her vision and disappeared into the inky blackness beyond. Torches mounted on the wall lit the immediate area, but other than that, the dungeon was spooky and gross.

“Fuck.” Cursed Roxy. “I am waaaaay to sober for this shit.”

Suddenly, the mysterious voice of the book returned.

“Still think this is a game, human?” It taunted. “You are my pawn now, a plaything to be pushed through my gauntlet of horrors. I hope you like twisted creatures of darkness, bottomless pits, and pointy things or else you’re seriously going to be bummed out by this place.”

“Listen, book.” Roxy began, folding her arms. “I’m really sorry that I disturbed your eternal slumber or whatever your deal is, but this i just cruel. I had no idea that you were a magic, talking book. I just bought you because… well, because I dunno.”

“Well, it’s too late now. You’ve dug your metaphorical grave and now it’s time to literally lie in it.”

“If you take me back to my apartment I’ll…” Roxy wracked her brains. “I’ll make it worth your while. D- Do books like money? How about a new bookmark? If you let me out, I’ll give you the sickest bookmark I can find, I swear.”

“A bookmark? Why, of course! I’ve always wanted my very own bookmark! I’ll let you out right now, just gimme a sec.”

“Really?”

“NO!!! What the hell do you take me for, some kind of schmuck?! You’re so racist. Offering a bookmark to a book is like trying to bribe a Canadian with maple syrup. Screw you. You’re despicable.”

“I’m despicable!? You trapped me in a dungeon, asshole!”

“Yeah, and I won’t be letting you out anytime soon!” The book laughed mercilessly. “I’ve waited a millennia to challenge a young adventurer to my gauntlet and now that the time has finally come, there will be no backing out! Advance, human, and see if you can scrounge victory from the darkness below!”

With a heavy sigh, Roxy realized that there wouldn’t be any wise-talking her way out of this mess. Taking one of the torches from it’s mounting on the wall, she lifted it above her head and tried to peer further down the mysterious, lengthy corridor. It’s end still stretched out of sight though, so Roxy was left with no choice but to venture forward.

“You better not make me late for my date, book.” She grumbled as she walked. “I have plans to get to second and a half base with John tomorrow and nothing, not even a stupid runaround of this caliber, is going to get in the way of that.”

“Hahaha. Gooooood.” The book growled in response. “A sharp mind, genuine impetus, and keen eyes will be needed to escape with your life. The first challenge lies not far ahead. I wish you luck.”

Roxy was just about to bite back with a witty response, one that would both demoralize the book and boost her own spirits in one fell swoop, when the ground beneath her feet came to an abrupt end.

“Shit!” Cried Roxy, as she teetered on the edge of a large hole. The tunnel was so dark, she’d almost unwittingly walked right to her death! From the light of her torch, she could see that the bottom of the pit was lined with razor-sharp spikes and that the only way forward was to play a madman’s version of hopscotch across a series of wooden poles that shot up from the ground

To any normal guy or gal, this challenge probably would have seemed a little too daunting. Like, come on. Real life plat-forming over a pit of spikes? Pass. I’ll just sit here on the ground and starve to death like a smart person.

However, Roxy was neither a normal gal nor guy, she was a SBURB champion and creator of the new world. Jumping on poles over spikes is a cakewalk compared to going toe to toe with the monstrous likes of Lord English. Gritting her teeth, Roxy leapt onto the first pole, then the second, then the third. They peaks were narrow, but as long as she moved quickly, she was sure that she wouldn’t lose her balance.

“So, tell me something, book.” Roxy said, as she leapt forward again. “Is this actual magic or just some type of smoke and mirrors, puzzle riddleton, Quentin Beck-esque crap?”

“You still doubt my claims?” The book responded coldly. “Even after you’ve seen my magic for yourself first hand?”

“Well, yeah.” Roxy pirouetted high above the spikes once more. She was nearing the end. “You’re just a book, right? How did you make any of this stuff?”

“It’s all mind power, something you seem to possess very little of. Down here, in this mystical dungeon of enchantment, I can create anything I desire with merely a thought.”

With a final, powerful leap, Roxy made it to the opposite side of the pit to solid ground and completed the first trial.

“Are you sure about that?” She dusted off her skirt and paused a moment to inspect the nearest wall. She scratched it lightly with her nails. “A part of me still thinks that this all might be special effects.”

“SPECIAL EFFECTS?!?” The book was incredulous. “I’ll show you _special effects_!” Suddenly, a portion of the nearby wall slid aside to reveal a hidden passage. From out of the new doorway strode a magnificent pegasus, with golden wings and a wild mane composed entirely out of blue flame. “DO YOU SEE THIS SHIT??? THIS IS **_FANTASY_** , YOU PUNK-ASS BITCH!”

Roxy had to admit. That was fantasy as hell.

The pegasus walked backwards through the door whence it came and the wall slid back into place, as if it had never moved at all.

“Alright, alright. This is magic. I believe you now.” Roxy rolled her eyes as she continued forward. “Can you blame me for being a skeptic though? We as a society have become desensitized to stuff like this. Every aspect of our lives is hyped up to the umpteenth degree to the point where nothing really _awes_ us anymore.”

“Oh shut up.” The book groaned. “Don’t try to turn this into some bullshit social commentary. You were being a stupid jerk. Take your lumps. Keep moving. Complete the trials. That’s all you need to think about right now.”

“You know. I’m starting to think that I don’t like you very much, book.”

Further down the hallway Roxy traveled, until she came face to face with the second trial. There, blocking the path ahead, was a stone golem that reminded Roxy of an Easter Island head. The hunk of rock sat there, unmoving, with it’s expressionless eyes fixed directly ahead.

“I would like to introduce you to the Riddle Master.” Spoke the book from nowhere once more. “You have passed the test of coordination, but now you must face the challenge of wit. I wish you luck again, as knowing you, you’re probably going to need it.”

Roxy’s eyes rolled skyward again, as the stone golem’s wide mouth opened and began to speak:

“Answer me this riddle, pilgrim, to continue on your quest.” Spoke the golem in a voice like crunching gravel. “What loses its head in the morning and gets it back at night?”

“A pillow.” Answered Roxy immediately.

“Uhh….” The golem’s jaw went slack. “Th- that’s right.”

“I know. Can I keep going now?”

“No! I forgot to mention this, but I actually have three riddles for you!” The golem cleared his throat. “What is a man during the day, but turns into a werewolf under the light of the moon?”

“… A werewolf.”

“What starts with an ‘E’ but only has a single letter in it?”

“An envelope.”

“Where do…”

“People live in houses.”  

“Damn it to hell!” The golem ground it’s stone teeth viciously. “Did I say that there were three riddles? I meant that there were _seventeen_ riddles!”

“What? No!” Roxy thrust her fists against her hips. “I answered all of your stupid riddles, golem dude. Now let me pass.”

“N- No. NO. I have more riddles, I swear. Just gimme a sec…” The golem scrunched up his brow in concentration, but would never get the chance to utter a new riddle. Roxy had finally had enough.

“Super fuck this.” She growled and then performed a perfect hurricane kick. Her foot connected with the golems head and it instantly exploded into a million shards of jagged stone.

“Holy shit.” Breathed the voice of the book, who was impressed. “You just killed that guy.”

“Maybe…” Roxy buffed her nails on her sweater. “But then again, maybe this is all some fever-induced fever dream. I’ll find out when I finish the last of these stupid trials. How many more are left?”

“Just one.”

“Faaaaantastic.” Grinned Roxy confidently and she continued forward once more.

* * *

John Egbert checked his wristwatch for the fifth time in as many minutes. He was stood in the town park, with a picnic basket hung in the crook of his arm and a bouquet of a dozen roses clutched dumbly in his hand. Most noticeable though, was the distinct absence of one Roxy Lalonde by his side.

He checked his phone. Zero messages. Zero calls.

Roxy was known to miss an appointment every whence and then, but usually not without sending some kind of warning text. If she was running late, she would have told him. They could have rescheduled or… something.

“She’s not coming.”

John turned quickly to find that it was a guy sitting on a park bench nearby who had spoken. He too was clutching a wilting bouquet and picnic basket.

“N- No. I’m pretty sure she’s coming.” John responded, slightly disgruntled by the man’s input.

The stranger heaved a heavy sigh and hug his head.

“That’s what I said too.” He muttered, and then began to sob quietly. John wisely absconded the fuck away from that situation.

Maybe he should call Roxy, just to make sure.

“Heeeeeeey!” Slurred Roxy’s voice message when she didn’t answer. “If you’re trying to sell somethin’… then I ain’t buyin’. Hahahaaa. If you’re someone important, leave a message, and I’ll see if I- _*hic*_ can schedule you in. Hehahe…”

There was a sharp beep and then John snapped his phone shut. He probably should have left a message, in all rationally, but thinking rationally wasn’t a thing he planned on doing at the moment. All day, for the past three days, he’d been planning this date and for it to just fizzle out like this really got him worried.

Roxy wouldn’t stand him up. It just wasn’t something that she did. Hell, just last night she’d said that she loved him. Where was she?

Frantically, John’s mind flashed from one horrible scenario after another:

Roxy, slipping on the way out of her apartment and tumbling down the twenty flights of stairs in her building. Or maybe making it outside unscathed, only to get crushed by a falling anvil that someone accidentally dropped from a plane. Or maybe catching a ride on the bus and then the bus driving off the end of an unfinished highway like in the movie ‘ _Speed’_ to explode in a fiery ball of flame on the hard unforgiving ground and – OH GOD JOHN YOU HAVE TO CHECK IF SHE’S STILL ALIVE RUN YOU IDIOT RUN!!!

The park was only about ten minutes walking distance from Roxy’s building, six maybe if you ran. Regardless, no matter how long it took, it was not quick enough to satiate John’s racing heart. He dashed through the lobby, bypassed the elevator, which had been broken for many months, and ascended the stairs two at a time.

Using the spare key bequeathed to him by Roxy herself, John entered her apartment to find that… everything was just exactly how he remembered it. There weren’t blood stains splashed up the wall or anything ridiculous, just a dumb old book lying on the ground and a fluffy bed devoid of it’s owner.

Where the hell was Roxy?

Turning back towards the door, John was already formulating a plan involving a city-wide search conducted by the entire police force, when he was brought to a grinding halt by a sinister voice that quietly hissed in his ear.

“Reeeeeaad me, pussy.” Demanded the voice.

Against his better judgment, John turned to find that there was no one else in the apartment, of course, and that the only reading material immediately available was the spooky-ass book sitting innocuously on the rug.

“Aw, man…” John groaned, as he approached the book. “I am waaaay to wound-up for this shit.”

All it took was for one of his fingers to brush the worn leather cover, before the black smoke reappeared with a burst of magic. Looking back, John would later deny the very un-manly shriek that rose from his throat just as he was sucked up into the book as well.

* * *

“I’m not a big fan of their new stuff, in all honesty. They just weren’t the same after Slash left.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Post-Slash GnR is the _best_ GnR.”

“What the hell are _you_ talking about, book? There was no GnR after Slash left. The band literally fell apart!”

“No. No. No.” The voice of the book was adamant. “That was just a hiatus, idiot. They took off again when Buckethead joined up.”

“Buckethead?!?” Roxy shook her head in disgust. “I swear to whatever almighty beings books believe in, when I get out of here, I’m going to throw you into the river so that I never have to listen to your stupid opinions ever again. Good riddance.”

“You’re just too narrow-minded to relate to the contemporary directions taken by true rock and roll artists.” Snapped the book with frustration evident in it’s deep voice. “But whatever, that’s just your own stupid prerogative. The third trial grows closer with every step you take, human, are you ready to face your greatest challenge yet?”

“You bet!” Roxy gripped her torch, the only weapon she had, a little tighter. “You know, it’s a little weird that you haven’t asked me my name yet.”

“Well, you haven’t asked me mine either.”

“I didn’t know books had names….”

“I would expect nothing less from a human of your remarkable character.” There was a pause. “That was sarcasm by the way. I was being sarcastic. I actually hate you.”

“Yeah, I know. So what is your name?”

“Glenn.”

“Glenn? Seriously? It thought it’d be something like _Grimstein the Hardback_! Or something equally fantastical.”

“Well, you can’t pick your neighbors or your name so, what are you going to do?” If the book had a body and if it was actually there with Roxy, it probably would have shrugged.

“I suppose you’re right. Nice to meet you, Glenn. I’m Roxy!” Quite subconsciously, Roxy gave her bangs a quick flip as she stated her name. It was a nice touch. She’d have to remember to do that from now on whenever she met someone new.

“Alright, Roxy. Here we are, the final trial.” The long corridor opened up into a cavernous room. The ceiling was shrouded in shadow and the floor was flat, empty, and boring.  “As always, I wish you good luck.”

“Uh, what am I supposed to do?” Asked Roxy, as she stepped into the large space.

“Simple… FACE YOUR DARKEST FEARS!!! Hahaha!”

Another plume of smoke drew Roxy’s attention towards the center of the room. From the mist, condensed a solid body, tall, muscular, with skin of green, and eyes like flashing billiard balls. The icy claws of fear gripped Roxy’s heart as Lord English materialized right before her, wielding his golden scepter and flanked by an army of skeletal minions.

“Shit on my dick.” Breathed the young adventurer. “I’m so fucked.”

And it truly appeared as if she was, particularly when Lord English pointed directly towards her with his scepter and silently commanded his skeleton army to charge forward in attack. Thinking quickly, Roxy stabbed forward with her torch and buried the flaming end in the eye socket of the first skeleton. The monster fell immediately, but was quickly replaced by a dozen more.

They reached for her with their gross, bony hands, and she was forced to dodge and weave around them, lest she be ripped apart by the mob. With the skill of a practiced fighter, she created distance between her foes, centered her focus, and then went on the offensive.

Her punches fell skeleton after skeleton and, for a moment, it appeared as if she were gaining the upper hand on the battle. Until….

“EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” Cried a feminine voice.

Roxy wheeled around and watched as a familiar, raven-haired young man poofed into existence seemingly from nowhere.

“Roxy?” John asked in confusion, catching sight of his girlfriend.

“John?” Questioned Roxy, equally confused.

“What’s happening right now?”

“Uh,” Roxy eyed the approaching skeletal horde warily. “It’s kind of a long story, but basically I bought you a book for Valentine’s Day that turned out to be magic. It sucked me into it’s pages, made me complete these stupid challenges, and now I have to defeat these monsters to escape.”

“Oh. So like a ‘choose your own adventure’ thing?”

“Exactly!” Roxy clobbered another skeleton that drew to near. “Lord English is here too somewhere, but I lost sight of him. I could probably use some help here too, bee tee double-u.”

“Oh. Okay. No problem!” John leapt by his girlfriend’s side and pushed an offending skeleton to the ground. “Uh. I guess I should explain how I got here, huh?”

“I figured that you came looking for me and got sucked into the book, right?”

“Yup!”

“That’s weird. It doesn’t _feel_ like I’ve been here all night. Ugh. Listen, babe. I’m really, _really_ sorry that I missed our date.” Roxy grabbed John by the collar and pulled him out of the way of a dastardly sneak attack. “I know you put a lot of work into it and you wanted it to be special and I wanted it to be special too, because I really like you and I just wanted to get you a nice gift, one that you’d might think was cool and different and well, you can kind of see where…”

“Roxy, Roxy.” John cut her off mid-way through her adorable apologetic chatter. “It’s alright! I totally get it. I’m just glad that you’re okay! If you can count fighting hundreds of skeletons in a cursed book _‘okay’_ that is, heh.”

Try as she might, Roxy couldn’t help but grin at that. She spent a precious second leaning in to give him a quick peck on the cheek.

“Thanks, babe. I knew that you’d understand.”

“Hmmm.” John hummed, blushing slightly from the kiss. “I just wish that I had my hammer right now. That’d make fighting these guys a whole lot easier!”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth then there was small _pop_ and his hammer miraculously appeared in his hands. So surprised was John by the sudden appearance of his gear, that he almost fumbled it. Roxy’s eyes grew wide when she saw the weapon and the gears in her head began to churn quickly.

“John, how did you do that?” She asked excitedly.

“I- I dunno. I just thought about it.” He used his new hammer to crush two more approaching skeletons. They were beginning to thin the crowd, but the floor of the auditorium-like space was still packed. “Did I do something wrong?”

“NO! You did something awesome.” Roxy screwed up her face in concentration as she spoke: “The evil book, who is named Glenn by the way, told me that he could create anything down here as long as he thought about it, I guess that means we can do it too!”

Focusing her mind, Roxy gazed at the floor with all of her might and, with another _pop_ , a giant motorcycle appeared right in front of her.

“Oh my golden rings.” Gasped John.

“Climb on!” Commanded Roxy, as she leapt onto the seat. John clambered up behind her and then they were off!

They rode around the cavern, crushing all of the skeletons under their new wheels as Roxy whooped and hollered with glee. From her vantage point atop her bike, she spotted a bald, green head, and made a bee-line right towards it. Lord English barely had time to realize what has happening before Roxy ran him over and pinned him beneath her rear tire.

“Time to _burn_ one.” Smirked Roxy, who was now wearing cool guy sunglasses.

Then she peeled out on Lord English’s poor body for like two hours.

Eventually, due to physics, Lord English was fired like a bullet out from beneath Roxy’s tire. He flew through the air, connected with the far wall, and then exploded into an avalanche of colorful grist. All of the skeletons, that hadn’t been crushed by Roxy’s wild ride, immediately collapsed in on themselves and died just like all those bullshit drones from the Phantom Menace.

Finally, Roxy had bested the book’s dastardly gauntlet and completed her three trials.

“Wow.” Said John, who was a little turned-on. “That was… something.”

“Are you alright?” Roxy asked.

“Yeah, a little confused, but yeah. I’m good.” He cast a glance around the once again empty cavern. “How do we get out of here though?”

“I dunno…” Roxy looked skyward and spoke loudly. “I just always assumed that _someone_ , perhaps a very _bookish_ person, would just let me leave after I finished his stupid gauntlet. You know, like they _promised_?”

“Alright, alright. I get it.” The rumbling voice of the book returned. “You did finish the trials, so yeah I suppose I do have to let you go.” A magical swirling portal appeared in front of Roxy and John, opening up into Roxy’s apartment. “I- uh… I guess you’re going to destroy me now, right?”

“Yup!” Agreed Roxy, as she steered her bike through the portal. “See you around, Glenn, you dirty sonovabitch.”

As Roxy and John exited the dungeon and returned back to their new world, the motorcycle disappeared, along with the magic portal. Glenn, the cursed book, fell to the ground once more and did not move again. After the heat and excitement of the skeleton battle, the silence of Roxy’s apartment seemed heavy and awkward.

“Sooooooo. Happy Valentine’s Day, babe.” Said Roxy with a sheepish grin. “I’ll er, get you something else later, alright? Something better than a silly book that hopefully won’t try to kill us.”

“Or maybe not. I mean, you don’t have to.” John rubbed the back of his neck. “I appreciate the thought and all, but maybe we should skip out on the gift-giving this year.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. That’s not what Valentine’s Day is about really, at least in my opinion.” John chuckled and slid an arm around his girlfriend’s shoulders. “Besides, I was under the impression that we had a date in a park to get to.”

“Oh, hell yeah, we do.” Roxy stooped and grabbed the evil book off the ground. “Let’s just make a pit stop by the river real quick on the way, alright?”

“That’s probably a good idea, yeah.”

Then, with the black tome under one arm and her boyfriend’s hand in her other, Roxy led the way out of her apartment, whilst John’s words continued to weigh heavily on her mind. He was right, she decided. Gifts were cheap and lazy signs of affection, compared to an afternoon adventure in a cursed book. Regardless, as they sat side by side later under a shady tree in the park, Roxy decided that she would have to make it up to him next year.


	5. Rose's FanFiction (John/Rose)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to anon for the prompt:
> 
> "Prompt: grimdorks - Rose discovers that John reads andcomments on all of her wizard fanfictions under a different alias. She decides to indirectly confront John through the next few chapters of her fanfiction."

**Chapter Five: Rose's FanFiction**

_The chill of winter was nothing compared to the vindictive harshness of the wizard Grimstein’s gaze. It was said that one merely needed to take a fleeting look at his stony visage for the unyielding weight of desolation to settle upon their shoulders, depressed by the murky past reflected in his silver orbs, so decadent, with the curse of foresight._

_With footsteps as heavy as the snowfall, Grimstein swept across the threshold of his grand tower to enter the main hall. The piercing howl, painful as the screams of a pained child, ceased once the door was shut and the barrier between hearth and blizzard was erected._

_Shrugging off his traveler’s cloak, Grimstein ascended the spiral staircase, caring not for the snow he tracked through his quarters nor the carelessness for which he discarded his winter gear along the banister. It had been nearly a fortnight since he’d stepped foot in the hallowed halls and his bones itched with longing, an insatiable aspiration which begged to be itched, whose solace lay upstairs, in a supple bed, just a few more steps._

_“Oh.” Said Grimstein, after he pushed open to the door to his bed chamber and stood perched on the threshold. “I thought you would have left.”_

_“I… had a change of plans.” Responded a figure, shrouded in the gloom beyond the soft glow of a single candle resting upon the nightstand._

_Grimstein stepped inside and shut the door behind him, further insulating himself from the bitter outdoors. The shape in the shadows stepped forward, revealing the countenance of none other than Fosseltoph, sorcerer of the Red Basin and protector of the sixth spirit stone. His smooth movements dripped with unadulterated magic aura and his beard, as lengthy and insipid in the muted light as always, skimmed the ground just above the dark floorboards._

_“You have been gone long, Grimstein.” Continued Fosseltoph. “I had begun to fear that you would not return.”_

_“Where is your faith?” Chuckled Grimstein, unfastening the buttons of his shirt._

_“Gone with you, I’m afraid.”_

_“And now that I’ve returned?”_

_“So has it.” A smile split Fosseltoph’s face, a veritable falcate moon which brightened the hollow considerably. “What news do you bring from the south?”_

_“Towerfall is far more gone than we were led to believe.” Answered Grimstein darkly. “The Queen oppresses her people with unfair taxes, near-slave labor, and biased legislation. I fear we may be forced to play our hand before the next full moon, lest she might push her rule northward.”_

_“But to initiate out plan now would be to incite…” Fear swiftly flashed across Fosseltoph’s face. “Revolution.”_

_“So it would.”_

_“You do not fear the Queen’s wrath?”_

_“I fear nothing when you are by my side, Fosseltoph.” Grimstein abruptly closed the distance between his fellow magician. With slender fingers, he trailed a line up Fosseltoph’s arm, eliciting goosebumps from the temperate touch. “If this be our last night unburdened by the shroud of war, let us not think of such heavy things. Instead, let us savor our freedom… and our love.”_

_With a flourish of his hand, Grimstein extinguished the solitary candle and cast the room into an inky obscurity as unfathomable as the future ahead. Yet, much more proverbial and tepid, comforting in the truest of ways with the abssense of color and blah blah blah blah…_

* * *

John Egbert leaned back in his desk chair and heaved a mighty yawn into the back of his hand. If he was being honest with himself, this was the point where most his girlfriend’s fanfiction tended to lose him. He could follow the twisting plot, understand the motivations of the complex characters, get behind the passionate relationship between Grimstein and Fosseltoph, but this erotica conksuck tomfoolery was just one thing that he could _not_ take seriously.

Like seriously, where the hell did she get this stuff?

_‘earth-shattering euphoria that rattled him to his very core’_

_‘quivering with the anticipation of a impulsive flare of flaming zeal’_

John leaned forward and squinted at the pale glow of his monitor.

And _‘buzzing intensity in the heart of their loins’_

Heart of their loins? John scratched at his head. Do loins have hearts?

Do boys have… loins?

Do fucking _humans_ have loins? John thought back to the tender moments of intimacy shared between him and Rose. There had never been any _‘loins’_ , at least where he could remember. The only _‘loin’_ John had ever heard of had been of the ‘tender’ variety and was at Jade’s last backyard barbeque party. You know which one. The last backyard barbeque party where everyone had a little too much to drink and John ended up riding Dave down the street like a pony, whilst wearing a pink feather boa, a leather trench coat, and absolutely zero pants.

Haha. Good times.

Anyways, John returned to the work of fiction and quickly read through the rest of the chapter.

Rose Lalonde, John’s girlfriend of course, had been writing fanfiction since before she’d finished the fifth grade, back when her mother dressed her in pinks and violets, before the great goth-renaissance turnaround of the seventh grade. Her favorite fandom: “Dueling Dudes” was a series of fantasy novels written by the esteemed Daniel J. Noodleman and John, unbeknownst to Rose, had been loyally reading her multi-chapter fanworks for years.

After finishing her latest chapter, John was sure to leave a review:

_oh my golden rings! this was an awesome chapter! when grimstein confronted the queen in the crystal palace, you know that i got shivers down my spine, almost as bad as that one scene in ghostbusters 2 when winston repels down into the sewer and sees all that slime. zeesh! haha. anyways it’s always nice to see some quality “grimstoph” moments. i’m glad that they’re finally reunited, for however long it lasts. can’t wait for the next update!_

_keep up the good work._

_\- cameronPoe413_

With a swift click, John submitted the review and smiled widely to himself. That oughta put a small smirk on Rose’s little face. She frequently made posts about how she appreciated all her many reviewers and if John could contribute to that, then hey, why the hell not? Also there was something about the anonymity of his secret readership that got him a little excited, like he was pulling a fast one on the typically infallible Lalonde, who lived under the assumption that _no one_ in her personal life knew of her secret pastime.

Checking his watch, John saw that it was now well -past midnight.

“Damn.” He cursed, the word cross-fading into another yawn. “I better hit the sack. I’ve got class tomorrow.”

And with that. He dimmed the light of his computer monitor and stumbled the few feet over to his bed, where he promptly collapsed onto the sheets. His eyes were heavy and he was just thinking that he should probably take off his jeans before he fell asleep when he felt a sudden, powerful buzz in his pocket. Grumbling to himself, John wriggled his hand into his pants and fished out his phone, flipping it open without even looking to see who it was.

“What are you doing tomorrow afternoon around two-o-clock?” Rose spoke in clipped tones.

“Wha-?” John proclaimed. “Fuh. Rose, what are you doing still up?”

“Answer the question, John.”

“I’m…” John wracked his brain. What was he doing tomorrow? “I- uh, have class in the morning, but I guess I’ll be free later. What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m merely wondering if you wouldn’t mind coming by my dorm tomorrow for an early dinner, possibly a movie, whatever tickles your fancy.”

“You… wanted to hang out…”

“We are dating, aren’t we?”

“Well, yeah! Of course. But did you have to call me right now? I’m going to see you tomorrow anyways.”

There was a pause, then:

“I… yes- you. Er.” Rose seemed to have lost control of her verbal facilities. “You’re right.”

“Are you sure that you’re okay, Rose?”  John was worried. Rose never called this late. She was too dedicated to her studies to risk losing sleep. Plus, when did she ever stumble over her words like that. Something about this entire situation gave John the willies. “Where are you right now? I’m coming over.”

In the dark of his room, John stumbled across carpet in search of his sneakers. The girl’s dorms were only on the complete opposite side of the campus. He could be there in five minutes, three if he sprinted at full speed, which he wholly intended on doing. He was struggling to fit his head through the sleeve of a sweater when Rose’s words permeated his haze of panic once more.

“John. John!” She hissed, causing him to halt in his tracks. “I am in perfect health. There is no need for you to come kicking down my door in a frenzy of misplaced chivalry. I fear Kanaya would not take kindly to such a display, not to mention the fact that you’re bound to get reprimanded for sneaking over here again so late. Pause a moment, take a deep breath, and get your hand off that doorknob.”

John looked down, to where his fingers wrapped around the dented handle of his bedroom door.

Damn, she was good. Sometimes he worried that she could see into his very head. He would never tell her that though. She got enough ribbing from her peers during grade school about witchcraft without him throwing his own suspicion log onto the slander fire.

Heh. John made a mental note to write that metaphor down when he got the chance. Dave would probably get a kick out of it.

“Well, then explain to me why you’re all flustered right now.” John rubbed the back of his neck, slightly embarrassed about _almost_ losing his cool. “You aren’t taking…” John swallowed hard. “You aren’t taking _drugs_ , are you?”

He could practically hear his girlfriend’s eyes rotate in their sockets.

“No, John. I assure you that I am within one hundred percent control of all my mental processes. I was simply up late, working on some knitting, and found myself entertaining the thought of spending quality time with my lovely boyfriend. Forgive me if I hastened to give him a call to confirm my plans. I shan’t be doing it again anytime soon if he’s going to have this type of reaction, let me assure you.”

“Alright, alright. I get it. I’m a big ol’ dork and I’m sorry.” John dragged a tired hand down his face, stretching the skin. He was waaaay to tuckered-out for this shit. “I just worry about you sometimes. You’re always so… well-kept or put together or whatever. I worry that you’re, I dunno, secretly depressed or something. I know it’s stupid, dumb, stupid, but it’s what I think sometimes… Rose?”

There was a long stretch of silence on her end of the line and John’s words float heavily on the end of his tongue, burning there like a rash. He shouldn’t have said that. He realized that then. It was much too late for this type of heart-to-heart and he wasn’t really quite sure if he knew what he was talking about or not. He was about to blurt out something again, anything to brush off his self-conscious words, a joke or something, but Rose beat him to it:

“You don’t have to worry about that, John. I promise.” Her words don’t have the edge they did before. “If something were the matter, you would be the absolute first to know. I trust you… more than I trust a lot of other people here.” She laughs then, quietly, and John knows that everything is okay. “However, as we’re on the subject, I can’t help but feel guilty for subconsciously instilling you with that fear. That was not my intention.”

“Oh, I know. Like I said: it’s just dumb, stupid, dumb. Haha.”

“Hmmmmm.” Rose hummed softly. John liked to picture her then, swathed in a soft black bathrobe, lounging on her bed in front of her laptop, her eyes closed in the peaceful drowsiness just before an impending snooze. “I love you, John. You don’t know it, but you’re a good boyfriend.”

“Heh. I love you too, Rose.” With a heavy _wump_ , John sank back onto his bed, crisis averted. “Now, go to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yes, goodnight.”

She hung up then and John spent a precious second admiring the way her name flashed on the screen of his cell phone, before he collapsed backwards and lay perpendicular to his bed, still fully clothed. His girlfriend loved him, she was safe and sound, and he was going to have an impromptu date with her tomorrow. All was right with the world and he dreamed of gay wizards and black lipstick, as he drifted off the sleep.

Meanwhile, across the campus, swathed in a soft black bathrobe and lounging in front of her laptop, Rose stared with a powerful intensity at the cell phone gripped tightly in her palm. Calling John this late had been a mistake, she’d almost blown her plan before it had even gotten off the ground! Looking to her laptop, Rose reread the review that had just been submitted to her FanFiction. The every-loyal _‘cameronPoe413’_ had been as praiseful as always and had succeeded once again in bringing a small smirk to her little face.

However, as much as Rose was one to never look a gift horse in the mouth, she couldn’t help but peel apart _cameronPoe413’s_ words and draw incisive conclusions. After some contemplation, she had come to the quite remarkable realization that it was none other than John Egbert on the other end of the inter-webs, perusing her fictional works supposedly right under her nose. Like any good analyst though, Rose wasn’t just about to come out and blatantly ask John if this were true. That would simply be too easy. No. she needed more evidence, a plan of attack.

She needed to be sure. Rose examined the review again.

_‘oh my golden rings’_

_‘that one scene in ghostbusters 2’_

Rose leaned forward and squinted at the screen of her laptop.

And, of course: _‘cameronPoe413’_

No one, and Rose knew that _no one_ , ever said _‘oh my golden rings’_ without a heaping dose of irony on the side. Also, there were but few choice people who would reference Ghostbusters 2 when there was the far-superior, first film of the duology to pull from. Then there was the username. Cameron Poe was, of course, the name of the hero from the infamous _‘Con Air’_ , staring none other than Nic Cage. John Egbert also just so happened to be born on the thirteenth of April.

Coincidence? Rose thought not.

 Tomorrow she would test her assumptions for true confirmation, before enacting the real body of her plan. When she was finished, there was a good chance that she would ruin a perfectly good piece fanfiction. Regardless, Rose considered it to be worth the risk. She shut her laptop and made herself more comfortable on the bed sheets. Come tomorrow, she would know for sure and that, paired with the honest excitement of a dinner-date, sent her gently off to sleep as well, with a smug little smirk on her lips.

* * *

The next day, Rose hurried from her last class back to her dorm. She had gotten lucky when scheduling her class at the beginning of the semester, and therefore had the rest of the day off to study, catch up on some rest, or perhaps plan an elaborate scheme to out her boyfriend as a closet scrutinizer of fantastical fanworks.

Well, her plan wasn’t exactly _that_ elaborate, in fact, it was quite elegant in it’s simplicity. Just the way Rose liked it.

Her roommate, Kanaya, would be out for the rest of the day attending a conveniently planned study session with her lab group, leaving the dorm free for Rose and John alone. The time spent up to the planned date was spent sprucing up the place, kicking half-knitted sweaters under the bed, stacking textbooks in their proper place on the shelf, and deciding just exactly what the menu for the date would actually consist of.

Rose had just decided that they’d have to do with delivery pizza when there was prompt knock at the door almost exactly at two-thirty. Centering her headband and brushing a final hand down her skirt, Rose walked calmly to the door and greeted John warmly.

“Afternoon, love.” She grinned, kissing him swiftly. “How was your day today?”

“Fine.” John blushed slightly, something about this exchange made him feel as if as they were some hackneyed married couple and the image caused his stomach to feel light. “I, uh, brought some flowers.”

He extended his hand, dumbly clutching a bouquet of dull violets.

“I would have picked up some food too, but I didn’t know what you wanted.” He continued. “Where’s Kanaya, by the way?”

“Out.” Answered Rose simply. “And we’ll worry about the food later.” She gestured him inside, taking the flowers from John and admiring them to the best of her ability. “These are lovely. Thank you, John. Go make yourself comfortable in my bedroom. I’ll be with you shortly.”

John did as he was told and crossed the common space to Rose’s room. As he sat on the edge of her bed, he could hear the telltale noises of Rose preparing a vase for his shitty flowers in the kitchen. He didn’t typically bring shoddy crap like that too their dates, it was just that something about their conversation last night had left him feeling slightly uneasy, despite the positive way it concluded. Rose’s strange behavior seemed to persist, as she entered the room a second later, carrying her laptop and a DVD in her arms.

“I thought we’d start off with a film.” She said, taking a seat by his side. The pair moved up to lean against the headboard. “This seems like a silly question to ask, but I intend to ask it anyways. Have you ever seen…” She paused to lick her lips before showing him her choice of DVD. “Ghostbusters 2?”

“Have I ever!” Grinned John, his apprehension vanishing instantly. “Are you sure that’s what you want to watch? I thought for sure you were going to hit me with some deep, psychological, indie film or something. Haha.”

Rose’s eyebrow quirked.

“Do you mean to insinuate that you dislike my typical film selections?”

“Well, no. I mean, that _‘Wicked Monsters of the South’_ movie was pretty boring, but…”

“ _’Beasts of the Southern Wild’._ ” Rose corrected with a sigh. “I suppose I shouldn’t blame you, in all honesty. I do tend to have a weakness for pretentious filmmaking. Regardless, we shall deal with later. For the time being, yes, I do intend for us to watch Ghostbusters 2. If you have no opposition, that is.”

“No objections here!” John shifted into a more comfortable position on the bed and snaked his arm around Rose’s shoulders. She squirmed to rest against his chest and sat her laptop upon his knees. Rose’s position insured her a clear view of John’s face and she noted his various expressions of joy as the film ran its course.

So enraptured in Reitman’s whimsical tale was he, that he remained oblivious to her observations. John watched the witty volley of one-liners betwixt Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis, god rest his soul, with pointed attention, as Rose merely flicked her eyes to the film once every few minutes, waiting for the right moment. Eventually, it came. As Winston descended into the sewers of New York City to confront the river of emotional slime, John’s nose wrinkled in disgust, his heart rate quickened under Rose’s palm, and a distinct shiver rand down his spine.

“Fucking sick.” He muttered.

“Utterly dreadful.” Agreed Rose, grinning like the cat with crème on it’s lips. With her experiment complete, she reached up with sly fingers and traced a line across John’s jaw, turning his eyes down to hers. “Turn off the movie.” She ordered, bringing her lips up to meet his.

John turned off the movie.

Later, as they sat across from one another on the floor, a box of pizza between them, Rose garbed in his shirt, and John chilly under the air conditioning, he couldn’t help but question her again:

“Not that I don’t appreciate all of… this.” He gestured around the room and between them. “It’s just that I can’t help but wonder why, you know? It’s really nice and you’re really nice and pretty and I love you and everything, but it all just seems a little spontaneous.”

“I can’t be spontaneous?” Asked Rose, still feeling quite pleased with herself. In her mind, she had won some great battle against John, a secret invasion of personal interests, and her victory was going to be quite sweet once it was enacted. “What am I to do, Mr. Egbert, allow you to run me into the ground with your own overly-romantic, saccharine, gestures of devotion?”

“Love isn’t a completion, Rose.” He grumbled, finishing his pizza.

“No.” Agreed Rose, smiling slightly. “I don’t suppose that it is.”

* * *

John Egbert sat in his bedroom the following evening. Rose had just updated her story again and he was quick to settle in with a mug of coffee to enjoy the latest chapter of his secret pleasure. This selection seemed shorter than her usual work, he noticed, but whatever. As loquacious as Rose could get, she understood the concept of quality over quantity.

He read:

_“It’s the end of the line, Queen Vesselnia!” Barked Grimstein, his wand raised to strike the killing blow. “Your reign of tyranny ends here and now!”_

_“That’s where you’re wrong, wizard.” The Queen, voice as venomous as snake toxin, showed no fear despite her precarious position atop the castle’s rampart. “IF YOU STRIKE ME DOWN, I SHALL BECOME MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE!!!”_

John blinked.

Alright. Star Wars reference. That’s cool, a little weird, but still pretty cool.

He continued:

 _Grimstein did not heed her words, fore he had come too far to back out now. With his wand aglow, he advanced, a fatal enchantment on his lips, the fires of wrath in his eyes. However, before the ultimate spell could be cast, an ear-splitting_ boom _rocked the foundations of the tower, forcing him to halt his advance._

_The Queen laughed madly as the very world seemed to tremble._

_“What is this trickery!?” Demanded Grimstein of the Queen. “Cease your lunacy and answer me, foul creature! Do you expect whatever distractions you conjure up to stop me?!”_

_With trembling hands, the Queen pointed a gnarled finger at Grimstein’s chest. Her lips curled in a feral snarl and her next words caused the icy claws of fear to grip the good wizard’s heart._

_“Hahaha!” She cackled. “No, Mr. Grimstein. I expect you to die! Haha!"_

Okay. That was Goldfinger.

John scratched at his head. In all thirty-two chapters and three hundred and twenty-seven words of Rose’s fic, she’d never made a  single movie reference, let alone two in a row. Now, he could appreciate the occasional humorous shout-out or slight nod to a quality, but this was just ridiculous.

John began to formulate his next review as he pressed forward:

_Having no time for the Queen’s sport, Grimstein slashed brutally with his wand and cast a final spell. The Queen let out a sharp gasp, a surprised expulsion of dead air, before tumbling backwards off the tower to her death far on the ground below._

_There was no time to commemorate his victory though, as Grimstein quickly noticed that the very tower beneath his feet was beginning to disintegrate. Thinking quickly, the wizard leapt from the ramparts and fell through empty space. As the ground rushed up to meet him, he cast a swift hex and slowed his descent to a more comfortable pace._

_Dust filed the heavens as the tower collapsed in on itself and Grimstein found his vision obscured by the grey smog. He waited patiently for it to clear and when the dust finally settled, the first thing he saw were a pair of figures striding towards him from the east. One was tall and slender, and the other stout and young, probably no older than ten years._

_“Fosseltoph.” Greeted Grimstein. “The battle is won! The Queen is dead and her army vanquished, this truly is a day to celebrate…”_

_“There’s someone that you should meet.” Interrupted Fosseltoph. The second wizard gestured to his companion, who stood a few yards behind him. “Casey, come here.”_

_“Casey?” Grimstein gasped as the young girl walked into view. Tears pricked at the powerful wizard’s eyes and, for the first time in a long time, he felt his cold heart begin to soften. Reaching into his pocket, Grimstein produced a small object. “I got a present for you, Casey.”_

No. No. No.

_Fearful of the powerful, magical being, Casey hid her face in the legs of Fosseltoph’s robes. Worried, Grimstein looked down at the tattered, ruined, stuffed rabbit in his hands and tried to clean it hastily._

_“Casey,” Fosseltoph tried to gently pry the girl from his legs. “Take your daddy’s present.”_

_“No. It’s okay, Fosseltoph.” Grimstein slowly knelt in front of the girl._

_She looked at him with wide eyes._

_“I- I got a picture… of you.” She mumbled quietly._

_“I got a picture of you too, darling.”_

NO. NO SHIT NO.

_“Happy Birthday, Casey.” Said Grimstein, handing her the stuffed rabbit once and for all._

_Together, Grimstein the wise, Fosseltoph the just, and Casey the innocent turned towards the east. The successful revolutionaries all cheered as the family started towards the sunset and LeAnn Rimes’s ‘How Do I Live?’ faded in as the screen cut to black._

**_The End._ **

John finished the story, reading the final words through the cracks in his fingers.

“God dammit.”He sighed.

As if by magic, and hell anything is possible at this point, John’s cell phone buzzed in his pocket. With a heavy heart, he pulled out his phone and flicked it open quickly. Rose had sent him a text, simple, straight, and to the point:

_“Gotcha <3”_


	6. Date Night (John/Roxy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to zingdev, scotlandnmerica, and an anon for the prompt!
> 
> This here is my 50 tumblr follower celebratory ficlet or whatever you want to call it. This hot mess is well over 10,000 words long (so grab a snack and remember to take a break) and it’s messy and weird, but hopefully the 50 of you that follow me will find a little bit of the stuff you like about John: Try to Understand and the Greatest Witch Ever in here somewhere. I know I say this a lot, but this was a regular blast to write :)  
> My prompters asked for a love triangle (one between JohnRoxyVriska and another betwixt JohnRoxyRose) But I made a love rhombus with all four instead. Hopefully yall will be okay with that.

**Chapter Six: Date Night**

=> Be John Egbert

You are John Egbert. Which means you’ve somehow managed to set yourself up on three separate dates, with three different girls, on one night, in the same restaurant. Any normal guy would probably feel like they’re in over their head, right? Nope. Not you. You’ve seen this sitcom-esque trope play itself out more than a hundred times before on television, so you weren’t too distressed by the situation at first. I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong?

Right now you’re cowering in a bathroom stall, sitting perched atop the toilet seat with your phone clutched tightly in your hands. The amount of time it takes for you to dial her number is waaaay too damn long and your anxiety grows with each press of a button. Needless to say, by the time she finally picks up on the second ring, you’re all but hyperventilating.

“Hello?” She answers, confused and oblivious, like the god-damn world isn’t about to end.

“Jade!” Her name explodes from your lips like the cork from a champagne bottle. God, you never knew how sweet the sound of your sister’s voice could be. “I need your help! I need your help really, _really_ bad! I’m literally fuck-deep in danger here.”

“Uhhhh.” You hear some rustling on the other end as Jade adjusts her grip on the phone. “John, what the hell are you talking about? I thought you were on a date with Roxy. Where are you now?”

“I’m in the bathroom at the restaurant, Magnum Slope De Fantasy, or something.”

“You mean, ‘ _Manger Salope de Fantaisie’_?” She corrects, utilizing perfect French.

“Sure. Whatever. I don’t have time for any high-falutin European lingo here, Jade. I’m pretty sure that my entire life is collapsing around me right now.”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic.” You can practically picture Jade, heaving an exasperated sigh and rolling her eyes skyward. If eye rolling was an Olympic event, she’d be a gold medalist. “You know that Roxy is totally cool! There’s no reason for you to be nervous. I mean, it’s not like one bad date is going to ruin your _entire_ life…”

“Fuhhh. That’s not it.” You cut her off with a groan. “It’s more- more complicated.”

“Well then, explain the problem to me.”

You wipe the sweat from your brow as you try to come up with the right words to accurately explain how shitty this situation is. As of right now, your long-time crush Roxy Lalonde, her sister/your best friend Rose, and your mildly psychotic ex Vriska Serket are all waiting outside for you to return, unawares that your attention is actually being split three ways. It’s a total clusterfuck and your tower of soap bubbles has steadily been losing structural support for the last hour or so. Left with no choice, you’ve turned to Jade, the only person who you can probably count on to help you out whole-heartedly. Closing your eyes, you take a deep breath and start talking:

“Maybe I should start from the beginning…”

* * *

=> Be John Egbert, but you know, be a _past_ John Egbert, because this is a flashback

You are a past version of John Egbert. Which means that you’re having of one those classic, John Egbertian days, where you do typical, John Egbertian things.

Such as: sucking hard at video games.

“Ha!” Screams your competitor, jumping from the sofa in celebration. “That’s the fifth time in a row! Suck my race car _dong_ , Johnny!”

Roxy Lalonde, total babe and master champion of _F-Zero_ , then proceeds to position her controller above her pelvis and thrust it towards your face, attempting fit the remote in your mouth, of all places. Despite your defeat, you chuckle along and gently shove her away, sending her tumbling back onto the couch in a fit of giggles.

“Alright, alright. That was pretty good, I’ll give you that.” Gripping your own controller tightly, you start the next game. “But all of your victories are moot-point as of now. _This_ is the real deal. The kiddy play-time gloves are coming off.”

“Oooh Ho ho. I hope so!” Roxy bounces up into the sitting position, moving to sit by your side. Even though you’re blinded by the haze of competition, flashy video games, and a junk food-induced sugar rush, you can’t help but notice the way she rubs her elbow against yours, or shifts her legs so that her skirt rides up just the _right_ amount, and feel a little heat blossom in your cheeks.

Okay, maybe _a lot_ of heat, but whatever. Roxy’s cool and yeah she’s a girl, and yeah she’s pretty, and yeah maybe you wouldn’t smooching her if she was up for it, but there’s no way in hell you’re losing this last game. It will take more than a few silly feminine wiles, no matter how effective, to break your concentration.

“Heh. You know what? This is a lot of fun!” She continues, wriggling on the spot along with her game. “Just chilling with you, bullshiting about whatev’s, playing video games. Why don’t we do this more often?”

“I dunno.” You shrug. “We’ve both got school and you’re working too. I’d like to do this all the time if I could!”

“Well, duhhh. I know we got other stuff to do, but I’m talking about when we’re just dead bored. Like, on the weekends and stuff. Why the hell aren’t we cold-chilling any time we get the chance?!” She takes a turn a little fast and leans into you as she corrects. You catch a strong whiff of an intoxicating perfume, something sweet, like strawberries. “Do you ever think about that?”

“I- I guess. Sometimes.”  Damn, was it always so warm in this room?

You know that your roommate/best bro for life, Dave Strider, likes to keep things hottwenty-four seven, three sixty-five _thousand,_ but come on. The apartment doesn’t always need to be an uncomfortable eighty degrees, does it? You’ll talk to him about it later, when you aren’t on the panicle of another spectacular, high-speed defeat.

“I mean, I like hanging out with Jane and Rose,” Roxy is still talking. “They’re both a regular blast, but like spending time with you is different than with them.”

“Really?” You take your eyes off the screen for half a second to look at her profile, all smooth curves and full lips. “Why’s that?”

“Because with you…” Roxy casts you a quick glance, accompanied by a wink. “I _always_ win!”

And sure enough, the game ends with another RoLal victory.

As she cheers and gloats, and attempts to force you to fellate one of your SNES controller again, you can’t help but feel a little disappointed. Not about the outcome of the game per say, that shit was a given, but more about where you thought she was going with that particular topic. You’d been almost a hundred percent sure that you were on the verge of a romantic breakthrough.

Oh well. The time just wasn’t right, you suppose.

“Awww. Don’t look so down, Johnny.” She pats your knee in a comforting manner, still grinning madly. “You just need a little more practice, perhaps I could… give you some pointers sometime?”

Hmmmmmmm?

You look up from the ground, where you eyes had settled after your loss, to find her eyebrows doing some sort of tribal dance above her large, pink eyes. You vaguely realize that you’re supposed to be picking up on some sort of social cue right about now, but for the life of you can’t figure out necessarily _what_. When confused, you default to honesty mode:

“I don’t know if that’s going to do any good.” You begin. “You see, I think most video games have to do with natural skill and stuff. I guess I just don’t have the right genes for… EEE!”

You let out a horrible, unmanly noise when she suddenly seizes two great fistfuls of your shirt.

“Oh. Just shut up, you dweeb.” She snorts and then presses her lips to yours.

So as it turns out, Roxy doesn’t just _smell_ like strawberries. It takes a second before you can reciprocate a hundred percent, the shock of the kiss having fried all of your mental processes temporarily. However, when your mind catches up, your body is quick to follow. The floor isn’t as soft or comfortable as the sofa, but that’s where you end up regardless.

You sit, side by side on the carpet, kissing lazily in an almost dream-like plane of existence. It’s kind of funny, you suppose, as this is probably one of the coolest things that’s ever happened to you, so cool in fact, that it can probably only be properly appreciated in the fifth dimension or above, in ways you can neither sense nor fathom. If Dave was here he could affirm this, although you should probably stop thinking of your best bro whilst you’re mid-way through making out with a pretty girl.

“Was that too forward?” Asks Roxy when you pull apart. You’re happy to see that your face isn’t the only one currently glowing like stop sign. “Oh shit. I’m so sorry, I really sort of thought that’s where this was going.”

“I, er- What?” You splutter. “No. No, don’t be sorry. That was unexpected, yeah, but it was awesome like really awesome. I was totally getting the same vibes off of this entire situation, don’t worry.”

“Oh, okay. Sweet.” She grins and presses another, quick kiss to your cheek. “I get worried sometimes that I tend to, uh- jump the gun or whatever. Holy shit. Why is it so hot in here?” She fans herself with her hand. “I think you could fry an egg on top of the coffee table, christ on a bike.”

“Dave likes to keep things hot.” You answer with a shrug. “Hey, do you wanna make out some more.”

“Ummmm. What time is it?” Roxy, still fanning herself, checks her watch. “Damn, I shooould get going actually, but what the hell. Five more minutes.

Five more minutes later:

“Okay, I should go now. I promised Rose that I’d help her with something for later tonight.” Roxy disentangles herself from you and bounces to her feet, adjusting her hair and skirt whilst she moves about the room. “Have you seen my coat?”

“It’s on the…. coat rack. You know, where the coats go?”

“Oh. Haha!” She lets out another peal of laughter and you decide that you like making her laugh. “Damn, I’m all flustered. You sure do know how to rustle a girl’s jimmies, Johnny. We’ll have to do this again some time.”

“Yeah! Totally.” You follow her to the door. “What about later today? You said you have to help Rose, but what about after? Would you like to… catch some dinner, or something?”

She pauses in the hall, mid-way through shrugging on her coat. Her lip twists as she thinks and you find yourself _taking notice_ of the fact that her lips twist when she thinks. Man, it’s been so long since you’ve had a girlfriend; it’s easy to forget what the early stages are like. You take notice of her little facial expressions, of the way she always seems to stand with her hip jutted out to the side, of that little sprig of blonde hair that always seems to curl just above her brow…

Roxy _is_ your girlfriend now, right? You aren’t just so love-starved that you’re projecting all of this stuff… right?

“Dinner sounds good. I got a coupon from work for this fancy smancy French place down town. Let’s call it a date.” She kisses you again.

“Oh. Okay, then I’ll call you tonight.”

“Call me every damn night.” And then, before you can question as to the true status of your relationship, she’s sweeps out the door like a specter and disappears into the wildness once again, taking with her all of your confusion and jubilation and titillation and something else that ends with _‘ion’_ that you can’t really think of at the moment.

Roxy is your girlfriend now. She has to be. If the few things you know about relationships point to anything, it’s that people who kiss, go on dinner dates, and talk on the phone at night are dating. It’s the trifecta of romance, the three necessities for passionate flame, the kind of stuff a guy like you really shouldn’t be a part of.

Roxy is _not_ your girlfriend now. She’s too pretty, smart, hilarious, cool, and you’re just… John Egbert, with messy hair, messier teeth, and one pair of jeans that you wear pretty much every day. She kissed you because it was funny, because she’ll be able to laugh about it later with Jane and all her work pals, chattering how lame that dork Egbert is and how bad he is at F-Zero.

“Dumbass.” You bop yourself on the head and speak into the quiet apartment. “You’re complicating everything. Roxy wouldn’t treat anyone like that. Just play it cool, you’re going on a date tonight, just be cool.”

Just be cool? How can John Egbert be cool?

You flop back onto the sofa and find yourself staring at the discarded game controllers left on the rug. Roxy is your friend, first and foremost. It’s been that way for a while, ever since your other best friend, Rose, introduced you to her sister. You and Roxy are going to have fun tonight and everything is going to be fine.

Yet, even as your mind plays racquet ball with itself, flopping between panic and security, you’re already pulling out your cell phone, flipping it open, and dialing Dave’s number. If anyone can talk sense into you, at least where girls are concerned, it’s him.

However, as your finger hovers over the final button, your phone suddenly buzzes to life of it’s own accord. Someone has taken it upon themselves to send you a text, and as you stare at the name of the sender, you feel a bizarre cluster of emotions morph together in your gut, a mix between pleasant surprise and mind-numbing fear. You read the text:

**_Joooooooohn!  Guess whose 8ack in town again? Haha! Meet me at the park in 8 minutes, and I seriously mean 8 minutes this time!_ **

**_Don’t 8e l8._ **

**_\- Vriska ::::)_ **

Deciding that you’re definitely going to regret this, you retrieve your coat from the coat rack and leave the safety of your apartment. The walk to the park, which you believe is the one she’s referring to, is straight and short, but you somehow manage to find the time to ponder the magic of the universe and the uncanny coincidences it sometimes whips your way.

What are the odds that mere minutes after fathering a new romantic prospect, an old one, with which you harbor many mixed emotions, would suddenly spring up out of nowhere with a random text. If you needed proof that there was some higher being subjecting you to their devious pranksters gambit for their own twisted enjoyment, here it is.

It’s Friday afternoon so the park is mostly empty, with the kiddies being at school and the adulties slaving away at their various jobs. You find Vriska easily enough, swinging lazily on the swing set with her long, spindly legs rocking underneath her and her long, tangled hair billowing behind her like a proud flag.

She leaps off the swing at the highest point, executes a perfect triple lindy, and sticks the landing right in front of you. Grinning despite yourself, you give her a ten out of ten as she bows and sweeps her arms as if she’s standing on a stage, high above an audience of screaming fans. And hell, Vriska might just believe that she is.

“Remember me?” She asks, brushing her hair over her shoulder in a badass flip.

Hell, everything about Vriska is pretty badass, especially her back-story: when she was fifteen her house caught fire in the middle of the night and burned down. She lost an eye and her left arm in the blaze, along with her mother. I know what you’re thinking, sad right? But naw. Her mom was a huge bitch and plus Vriska easily looks eighty times more badass with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb.

There’s always a silver lining.

“Of course I remember you, Vriska. Why else would I be here right now. Haha.” You laugh and scuff the toe of your sneaker against the ground. The whole playground used to be covered with an inch thick layer of sand until the city replaced it with wood chips. Kinda seems like a bad move in your eyes, as you’d much rather get some sand accidentally thrown in your eye than a wood chip.

Anyways, you’re getting distracted.

“I had to ask.” Responds Vriska with a shrug. “We haven’t seen each other in a while. What’s it been? Two months? Half a year?”

“Uh, try three years.”

“Wow. That long, huh?” She moves back over to the swing set and reclaims her ride. She motions for you to join her. “I suppose time flies when you’re having fun. I’ve been all over the place, John. North, south, east, west, you name it!”

You don’t know of any other cardinal directions, so you just keep your peace. Sinking into the vacant swing by her side, you kick off weakly and drift to and fro through the late fall air.

“How long have you been in town?” You ask.

“Like twenty minutes.”

“And you just instantly decide to text me?”

“Well, of course! There no one else in this shit town worth talking to, if you ask me. Besides,” She grins that wicked grin that hikes up your blood pressure a few notches, whether from terror or excitement you don’t know. “You and I have unfinished business, Pupa. Or do you really _not_ remember?”

You swallow hard.

“What kind of unfinished business? Nothing illegal, right? I don’t think I want to get wrapped up in anything dangerous.”

“Depends what your definition of _‘danger’_ is.” She reaches into the pocket of her leather jacket and pulls out a box of cigarettes. “Dammit. You wouldn’t happen to have a light, would you?”

“Nope.”

“Humph.” Vriska turns the carton over and over in her hands, as if she can absorb the nicotine by osmosis. “Well, anyways, before I decided to go out and be awesome three or some odd years ago, I believe I asked you a certain question. If you don’t remember what it is, allow me to give you a few hints. The question has eight words, it begins with _‘would’_ , ends with _‘date’_ and I think there’s a _‘you like to go on a’_ in there somewhere.”

You swallow hard, again, and agitate the scratchy feeling that’d sprung up in your throat ever since you’d first stepped foot outside. This has to go down in the history books as one of the weirdest occurrences to ever be fathomed. John Egbert, dork extraordinaire, stumbling upon two romantic encounters within the same hour? Holy shit. Look up in the sky! Is that Bill Cosby riding Haley’s Comet like a wild stallion and singing the Canadian National anthem, whilst fighting a platoon of Space Orcs, aka _Sporcs_???

It must be, because today just seems like one of those days.

“Listen, Vriska. That’s a really nice offer…” You begin.

“I know it is!” She interrupts excitedly, twisting in her swing to face you. “That’s what’s so cool about it! Imagine that invitation, hanging in the air for three years to finally be redeemed _tonight_ of all nights. It’s fate, John, destiny if you ever believed in that.”

“Well, yeah- maybe, but I really don’t think…

“You wondered why I contacted you first thing when I got here.” She continues. “And really it’s for a lot of reasons. Understand something for me, John. I have _soooo_ many friends, almost too many to handle. They’re all radical and badass, and if you met any of them, you’d probably piss your briefs. However, do you know what you have that none of them do? Take a guess, John. It’s the reason we’re sitting here right now.”

You wrack your brains for what it is she could be talking about.

“Is it…”

“It’s dependability, John. If there’s _one thing_ that I hate more than anything…” Vriska’s expression suddenly darkens, her lip rises in a feral snarl, and she pantomimes violently crushing something to death against her knee. “It’s some trashy piece of trash who doesn’t keep their promises. Fuck people like that, John. Fuck em to hell and back again. I wanna kill them all!”

Her shout echoes around the park and throughout the inside of your skull. For an instant, you imagine yourself in Vriska’s grasp, struggling for air as she crushes you to death in her powerful grip. You try to reassure yourself that Vriska would never actually do that to someone, but then again, it has been three years. You aren’t so sure anymore.

 When you come back to reality, she’s still talking about one thing or another and gesticulating wildly with her hands.

“So yeah. That’s what makes you special, John. You never back down.” She lunges out then and seizes you by the wrist. Before you can react, she’s whipped out a pen and begun scribbling on your hand. “Come by here tonight an hour before eight. We’ll get dinner, chat it up, and… see where it goes from there. Catch you later, Pupa!”

She winks, or maybe she blinks, it’s hard to tell with the one eye and all. You’re still staring at your tattooed palm when she climbs out of the swing and takes off across the park

“Wait, Vriska! I don’t think I…” But it’s too late. She’s already gone and you’re left sitting on the swing alone like an idiot. You reread the message on your hand. It’s the name of a restaurant, accompanied by an address: ‘ _Manger Salope de Fantaisie’_ on the corner of Opulent Street and Lavish Avenue. “Shit.”

You’ll have to cancel with Roxy, or at least that’s what you decide, as you trudge back to your apartment. You haven’t seen Vriska in a long time and it would be cool to catch up with her, in the most friendly and platonic way possible. Roxy is understanding and cool, she’ll totally get it. Plus, there’s a good chance Vriska will cause you bodily harm if you flake.

With your mind made up, you return to your apartment and begin casting about your shitty bedroom for the appropriate clothes to wear for tonight. As you’re deciding between a shirt or a shirt with buttons, your phone buzzes unexpectedly with a rather long series of texts. Fearing the worst, you check your cell and experience a wave of relief to see that it’s just Roxy and not another sultry lady from the past.

**_can’t wait for our date tonite johny_ **

**_johnny*_ **

**_its gonna be so fuking cash it feels like all the stars n plants have aligned and the destny wizards are all just tossing coffetti on me in a colorful shower of magestiy_ **

**_im the queen of dateville it is me watch as I wave my imperial hands in the celbratory parade and you shall be my regal as shit king_ **

**_anyways remembr those cupons i mentioned_ **

**_coupons*_ **

**_theyre for this fancy ass eatery in fancy town square Manger Salope de Fantaisie lmao if you can believe it or not_ **

**_i should be dne with rose by seven_ **

**_meet me there johnnycake_ **

**_\- roxy ;)_ **

Is Roxy drunk?

You check you watch. It’s only two thirty in the afternoon. If Roxy is already tipping back the drinks, then that can only mean one of two things: A) she’s preparing to make the best out of an incredibly shitty night with John the dork master or B) she’s really excited/nervous and is preemptively loosening up.

Either way, she’s committed as hell and you…

You’re going to have to cancel with her.

Or are you?

Already the cogs are beginning to turn in your head, a sinister idea that weaves itself into a consequence scarf the likes of which would probably get Rose herself hot and bothered. Two girls want to go on a date with you to the same restaurant, at the same time. Canceling on either Roxy or Vriska is something you want to avoid. You’ll doubt that you’ll be able to convince the girls to share you for the evening. They’d both probably scoff at the proposition and kick your ass to the curb, rejection-style.

So there’s only one choice left.

You, John Egbert, will have to go on two dates at the same time. It won’t be easy, chances are that it will all blow up in your face, but it’s too late. You’ve made up your mind. There’s no backing out now. You’re making this happen.

As you pillage Dave’s room for one of his ironic neckties, you continue to plan out the finer details of your evening with great excitement. How many times in a person’s life is an opportunity like this expected to come by? It’s a cosmic coincidence, one you would have to be foolish _not_ to embrace.

If you pull this off, you project that your prankster’s gambit will quadruple tenfold. Your dad would be proud, rest his good soul.

Or, at least you think he’d be proud. That’s what you tell yourself at least, as you take a seat on your bed, fix your eyes on your watch, and follow the hour hand as it slowly swivels up to seven-o-clock.

* * *

_Manger Salope de Fantaisie_ is built like a magical palace. The floors are shiny, the walls are adorned with pictures of important-looking dudes, and all the waiters even have those really thin mustaches, like Alfred Pennyworth or John Waters, which would put your unkempt man-scruff to shame if you hadn’t shaved earlier.

Roxy is waiting across the main foyer when you get inside and you’re horribly aware of the _slapping_ sound your sneakers make against the marble floors as you walk briskly towards her. When she sees you, she grins widely, flashing teeth as white as snow and squeezing all the air from your lungs.

Fuck. You can’t do this.

“Hey there.” She says and fuck are her cheeks glowing slightly? Or is that just these gilded chandeliers? She steps up and hugs you quickly. “You look positively charming, Johnny.”

“Heh. Not really.” And you don’t. “But, you… god, you look amazing!”

And she does. Her dress is pink, but not like that obnoxious pink some girls wear to prom. It’s classy and refined and really, _really_ form-fitting. You suddenly wish that you hadn’t dressed like an asshole.

“Thanks.” She gives a small spin, giggling the whole time. “Rose’s friend, Kankanayuh, made it custom.”

“Wow. That sounds… expensive.” You offer her your arm and she takes it. Together, you walk towards that podium thing where the hostess stands. You don’t know what it’s called.

“It was actually surprisingly affordable! Kanjiaya owns her own little boutique on the other side of town and she hooked me up with a rockin deal. It’s a super cute store. We should go sometime.”

“Yeah, maybe.” You doubt you’ll ever go to a clothing boutique under your own volition. Talk about boring, regardless, it’s Kanaya’s store that you talk about while the hostess leads you to your table at the far end of the restaurant. You pull out Roxy’s chair for her, like a proper two-timing gentleman, and slide into your own seat.

“Shit. Check out that view.” She gasps. Your table is situated next to a large window and the glittering cityscape shimmers beyond the spotless glass. “Man, I always forget how pretty this town can be at night. Then bam! You’re suddenly eating in a restaurant like Scrooge McDuck and get blind-sided by this beauty.”

“Yeah, it’s nice.” You wish you had something more poetic to say. “Uh, speaking of stupidly-rich Disney characters, just exactly what are those coupons you got from work for?”

“Oh yeah!” Roxy reaches into her purse and pulls out twin slips of paper. She offers you one and examines the other. “We can use these vouchers for two free desert cups. How sweet is that?!”

“Pretty damn sweet.” You chuckle. “I guess we’ll be going elsewhere for dinner, huh?”

“Hell yes. I don’t think all the money in the world could buy a full meal here. Shit,” She snatches one of the silver forks from the table and spins it betwixt her fingers. “This silverware is probably a good chunk of my college tuition.”

“More like the whole thing. Haha.” You begin to relax. “So what were you helping Rose with earlier?”

“You know. Sister stuff. She’s going on date tonight too actually and I promised that I’d help her get all dolled up.” The silver fork continues to spin lazily on her palm, glinting smugly at you. “You know how long it’s been since she got out there and met someone, so I wanted to makes sure that she put her best foot forward.”

“Oh.” You declare. “Good for her.”

“Mhmm.” The fork comes to an abrupt stop in her fist. “That wasn’t a jab at you, by the way. It’s not your fault that Rose shut herself up in her witch’s tower for so long.”

“It kind of feels like it’s my fault though.” You admit. “Does she… know that we’re out tonight?”

“Eh, I sort of… skimmed around it. I’ll tell her about us later, when she’s got her own hot young honey to occupy her time. You shouldn’t feel guilty about _us_ , John. She broke up with you.” Roxy is firm, solving the matter simply. “And that’s all there is to say on the matter. But whatev’s. I didn’t come here tonight to talk about your past relationship with my GD sister.” She leans forward in her chair then, resting her elbows on the table. “I’d much rather talk about you and me.”

“Is that so?” You lean forward as well, Rose forgotten, the epitome of suave. “What about us?”

“Just the basics, how awesome we are together now and just how much this night is going to rock ultimate.”

“Haha. I’m really glad you came out tonight, Roxy. If I’m being honest, I’ve sort of had a thing for you for a long…” You phone buzzes in your pocket then. “I- uh.”

“Go on.” Roxy prompts, inching closer.

“I’m sorry.” Reaching into your pocket, you dig out your phone and peek at it under the table. It’s Vriska, she’s here, and she’s waiting for you. “But I’ve got to use the restroom. I’ll be back as soon as possible!”

“Whoa, what if the waiter comes by?” Roxy asks, as you jump up from your seat. “We can probably fork up enough cash to buy a couple drinks. Do you want anything?”

“Just water for now. I’ll be back!” You dash away, weaving between the many white-clothed tables, towards the front of the restaurant once more.

Vriska is waiting in the foyer, leaning against the wall, tapping her toe against the hard ground as if counting the seconds it takes for you to join her side.

“You’re a little late there, Pupa.” She smirks. “Funny, I always pictured you as the punctual type.”

“I’m punctual… most of the time.” You add. “Er, you look really nice, Vriska.”

And she does. Dark blue dress, heavy makeup, hair pulled back, eye patch decorated with a cluster of eight sapphires. Where in the hell did she get the money for that thing? It’s easily one of the coolest things you’ve ever seen.

She takes you by the arm, bypasses the hostess podium whatchamacallit entirely and guides you like a show dog to a table near the east side of the restaurant. You breathe a sigh of relief when you find that Roxy’s table is obscured from view in this area, and are quick to pull out Vriska’s chair for her, before taking your own seat like earlier.

“I was worried that the eye patch might be a little much.” She says, gesturing to the jewel-encrusted space. “But then I realized that this might be one of the few opportunities to wear it and I just thought, what the hell, you know?”

“Ah. Yeah. Exactly.” You hope that Roxy isn’t getting lonely. You’ve only been gone probably about forty-five seconds, but still, you should probably get going back soon.

“I like that tie. What is that? It looks like a snot monster.”

“It’s a slimer, from ghostbusters.” You finger the strip of fabric absentmindedly. “I wanted to borrow a tie from Dave, but he didn’t have any ones as cool as this. My sister got it for me for my birthday last year.”

“Wow you’re still paling around with Dave and Jade? After all this time? Psshh. Come on, John.”  She leans over the table and thumps you on the forehead with the heel of her hand. “You need to expand your horizons. How are you ever going to better yourself as a person if you’re still chilling with the same old crowd?”

“Well Dave is my roommate and Jade is my sister so…”

“Doesn’t matter. Look at me, John.” She spreads her arms wide, not caring when she nearly elbows a passing waiter in the ribs. “I severed ties with nearly everyone in my life, went out in search of adventure, and came back better than ever. That’s the kind of drastic measures you have to take in life if you want to go far. Our time on this earth is too short to be dragging our feet with the riffraff.”

You wish she wouldn’t refer to your friends as _‘riffraff’_ and you sort of don’t like the way she’s trying to give you life advice. But you keep your discomfort to yourself. In all honesty, Vriska looks great, and probably knows what she’s talking about when it comes to this stuff.

“Where did you go after you left?” You ask curiously. “I mean, you didn’t write or call or anything until this afternoon. You just up and vanished.”

“I went south first, if you must know.” She talks, like she wasn’t itching to tell you all about it anyways. “I hitchhiked down the coast to the bay, found a job with the sailors there, and spent about a year shrimp-fishing on the high seas.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know, right? Let me tell you, Pupa. I learned a lot of things from that job. The sea is a force of nature, beautiful and terrible in it’s own right. I’ve watched men go mad from the sun’s heat, witnessed the decay of moral convictions, and single-handedly delivered a baby seal into this world from it’s mother’s womb.”

“You delivered a baby seal? Don’t seals… kind take care of that themselves?”

“I’m sorry, John, but was I finished talking?”

“It sort of seemed like you were.”

“Well, I wasn’t. Goodness, you seem to have lost your manners in the time I’ve been gone. You’d do well not to interrupt me again. Anyways, as I was saying…”

“I need to take a piss- I mean, use the restroom.” You’re already rising from your chair. “Just hold that thought for one second, alright?”

Before Vriska can respond, you abscond away again and make your way back to Roxy’s table.  This is going to be exhausting, you can already tell, but as of right now, you’re still relatively confident that you can pull this off. Just as long as no more wrenches get thrown into the mix.

Man, you wish there was some wood nearby to knock on.

A large group of waiters are tending to an even larger group of patrons, some kind of socialite dinner, in the center of the restaurant, and you’re forced to skirt around them. As you cut through the west-facing side of the restaurant, a small voice suddenly catches your attention.

“J- John?”

You turn to find none other than Rose Lalonde sitting by herself at small table. A napkin flashes up from her lab to dab at her eyes, wiping away the faint ghosts of… tears? Is Rose crying? Are you really about to get involved with this right now?

“What- What are you doing here?” She continues quickly, wiping her face clean with the speed and efficiency known only to the likes of Fredrick Taylor. “Not to sound, um, incredulous, you’re free to dine wherever you want. Haha. It’s just… a surprise to see you here, not an unpleasant one either. Don’t insinuate that…”

She’s rambling now, anxious that you’ve caught her at such a vulnerable state. Before you know what you’re doing, you’re pulling out the chair opposite her and sitting down.

“What’s the matter, Rose?” You ask, genuinely concerned. “You don’t look too good.”

“Ha.” A small laugh escapes her black-painted lips and she’s quick to take a drink from her glass, clear and full of a dark bitter liquid. “You always were the charming fellow, John.”

“What? Oh no. No! You don’t look bad. You look fantastic.”

And she does. Her usual headband has her hair pulled back from her face and parted perfectly so as to frame the familiar curve of her cheeks. A recognizable orange dress sits delicately on her shoulders and you can’t help but recall scenes of the past, much like this, when you and her had still been dating.

“Ah. That’s more like it.” She takes another drink from her glass and when she pulls it away again, she’s smiling. “Forgive me. Tonight has been especially stressful for all the wrong reasons. I’m afraid that my time has been wasted on empty promises and wishful thinking.”

“What’s the problem?”

Heaving a sigh, Rose rolls her eyes towards the heavens. If eye rolling was an Olympic event, and if Jade was a gold medalist, then Rose would be her fucking coach. It’s just another familiar thing about Rose. You’ve seen that exasperated look enough times you could probably sketch it on canvas if you had to. Her nails tap against the rim of her glass as she looks at you with an odd expression of contemplation.

“How can I put this?” She mutters, quietly so you have to strain to hear. “I’ve been… _stood up_ , John. Forgotten by a third party, left to my own lonely devices, cast aside without a second thought. My date flaked, my friend.”

“Oh.”

“Oh. Indeed.” Another drink. “But no matter. There’s not much that can be done as of now concerning my situation. Something inside me knew that this excursion was going to end up a pointless endeavor.”

“You came anyways though.”

“Of course. How am I supposed to find contentedness through companionship without actually meeting people?” She shakes her head. “I suppose I’ll have to find my comfort elsewhere, through non-sociable means.” She chuckle then. “Oh god. I’m sorry, John. You were just passing by and I roped you into this. You must think I’m quite the dramatic, pissy bitch.”

“Well, I always knew that you were a little theatrical.” You grin. “I’m sorry that your date didn’t show up, Rose, but… maybe this night doesn’t have to be a _total_ waste?”

“Really?” She smirks slightly, and rests her chin on the back of hand. “Do you mean to say that you’ve concocted a plan to salvage my evening?”

“Perhaps.” Fucking shit. Are you really going to do this? “Let me buy you another drink, Rose. When’s the last time you and I just hung out and shot the breeze?”

“Probably when I broke up with you.” She admits truthfully, if a little sadly. “I’m sorry. I’m a little intoxicated honestly and a little depressed, so don’t take anything I say to heart.  I won’t commandeer your time, John. At the risk of sounding pitiful: I’m sure that your attention is better served elsewhere.”

“Oh, like I can abandon you after _that_!” You snort. “Come on, Rose. I’m not going to walk away while you’re feeling down. Let me get you another drink. What’s your poison?”

Rose looks like she’s ready to argue. Her mouth opens, prepared to shoot back with some response detailing perfectly just how capable she is without company, how she doesn’t need you to save the day, how she’s perfectly fine begin alone, sad, and drunk.

But then her mouth closes.

“Perhaps another glass of _Dal Forno Romano_?”

“Coming right up!” You raise a finger to signal a passing waiter.

* * *

By the time you finally manage to get back to Roxy’s table, Rose is feeling a little bit drunker, a little bit better, and a lot more _friendly_ . Everything is fine as she talks about her latest work of fiction, how her cat Jaspers fell ill to a bad can of tuna, and her most recent sibling spat with Dave. It’s when she brings up the idea that the pair of you should share the same chair to conserve space and _body heat_ , of all things, that you decide it’s time for a break.

“Hey there. You sure did take your time. Haha.” Roxy grins widely once more, as you reclaim your seat. You notice that not only are there several empty martini glasses on her side of the table, but that your free deserts have long-since arrived and that a good portion of yours is missing. “Sorry that I nibbled on your dessy. You have no idea how hungry I am. Ha!”

“On scale of one to ten, how drunk are you?”

“A solid five and a half hats.”

“Wonderful.” You laugh and she joins in. It lasts a lot longer than it should and before you know it, you’re both gasping for air. “Oh man. What the hell were we talking about before I left?”

“I have no idea. Bleh.” She’s still giggling a bit. “How much cash do you have on you, Johnny? Let’s pool our funds and get an appetizer or something before I friggin curl up and die.”

“Uhhh.” You dig through your wallet and throw some cash on the table, then snatch up one of the menus to peruse the options. “What do you want?”

“Something salty, I dunno, surprise me!” She adds her own money to the table, a considerably larger stack of bills. It makes sense, you suppose. Roxy actually _has_ a job.

“How’s work going?” You ask, segueing seamlessly.

“You know how it is, higher-ups breathing down our necks, interns taking our proteins out of the oven before they denature fully, all that jazz.”

“Do you actually have a protein oven?”

“It’s a figure of speech.” Roxy flaps her hand vaguely. “Too put it short though: it’s been a whole lot more grinding recently. Boss makes up for being a hardass by giving us,” She flicks her empty plate with a nail. “GD _coupons_. Haha.”

“Would you ever quit?”

“Naw. It’s too convenient. The hours work well with my classes, plus all my co’s are real nice too. I can’t leave my bebe’s behind.” She blows a stray hair out of her face and continues. “Ugh. John. I thought we agreed that _this_ right here,” She gestures around the table. “Was going to be a no-bad-feel-zone. Let’s talk about cool stuff, man! What did you think of the latest Die Hard film?”

“Oh, fucking Die Hard Seven: the Return of Robo-Hans Gruber?” You close your eyes and savor the pleasant memory. “Do I even need to say how awesome that god-damn movie was?”

“Hell no! It was easily the most heavy metal thing I’ve ever seen. That Jude Law cameo was priceless!”

“Tell me about it.” You didn’t know Roxy was a fan of Jude Law. “But I think we can all agree that the ending was the best part, right?”

“Of course, that song was ridiculous.” Her eyes glimmer as she opens her mouth and beings to sing. “ _Can't worry ‘bout what other people might say. It's who I am!”_

You continue where she left off:

“ _Gotta live my dream my own way!”_

And together, you finish strong:

 _“Push it to the limit, limit! Gonna turn it up!_ ”

“Hey, I know that this is a public place and all.” A man leans over from his own table and speaks quietly. “But I’m here with my wife and it’s the one night in probably the entire year where we’re going to have some time to ourselves without our brat kids ruining everything, so I’d seriously appreciate if you could shut your fucking mouths.”

“Whoa, dude.” Roxy snickers. “Ever hear of taking a chill pill?”

“Ever hear of getting curb stomped until YOU PISS BLOOOD!!!”

The man’s wife reaches out and seizes him by the lapels.

“God-dammit, Kyle! You always do this.” She cries. “Let’s just go, dammit. Let’s just go, please.”

The older couple rises from their table, mid-way through their meal, and all but rush from the restaurant. Everyone within the vicinity watches with confusion before turning to look at you and Roxy with bewildered expressions. Suddenly the center of attention, you do your best to turn as invisible as possible. Meanwhile, Roxy seems to be having a total blast.

“Holy shit. That was crazy!” She grins at you over the table. Something about that smile is starting to get to you, like it’s some kind of drug. You feel lightheaded. “I cannot believe that just happened. Did you see that shit, John? The woman has her man fucking whipped, let me tell you. Lmao.”

She literally just said _‘lmao’_ like it was a word. You think you might be in love.

“Maybe we should try to keep a low profile from here on out.” You take a greedy drink from your water. It’s ice-cold and funny-tasting. You suppose the odd taste has something to do with the absence of all the procedural chemicals pumped into your usual drinking water. It’s off-putting and you decide that you don’t like it. “How much longer do you want to stay here? If you’re hungry we could…”

You could what? Leave? You’ve got two other dates on the line, dumbass. Luckily, Roxy picks up what you’ve dropped.

“Let’s stay a while longer.” She says, taking the menu from your limp hand. You’d forgotten that you were holding it. “I wanna see if this place’s bites live up to it’s barks, if you catch my drift.”

“Sure.” You feel your phone buzz in your pocket and you’re relatively sure as to who it is. “Hey, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to use the restroom again. Too much water, you know?”

“Oh.” Roxy’s face falls and she eyes your water glass. “Okay. Hurry back, alright?”

“Yeah. I’ll be back before you can say: _‘oh shit, I hope that John isn’t on two other dates with two other girls’_. Haha.” You chuckle nervously and Roxy turns her curious glance upon you. “Uh. Be right back.”

Vriska is not pleased.

“Holy fuck. You were gone a long time.” She kicks your chair from under the table and it scoots out, allowing you to sit down. “You didn’t get lost and end up in the kitchens, did you? Dammit, John. I know that those big swinging doors look like fun, but you can’t go in there.”

“Heh. Those doors do look like fun, don’t they? But no. I wasn’t lost, there was just-  there was… a line.”

“In the men’s room?”

“Yeah.” You take another big drink from the glass of water sitting on your side of the table and grimace at the taste. “Bleh. What were we talking about?”

“I was just telling you about my fantastical journeys.” She leans back in her chair and examines her nails. “Anyways, after that shit with the fishermen, I went east into the true wilderness. The countryside is a desolate place, John. I went days without seeing neither hide nor hair of my fellow man. Winter came during that second year and I found myself stranded on the summit of a range of treacherous mountains. I had to survive.”

“What?”

“Using what little I had in my rucksack and my natural intuition, I was able to chop down some trees and construct a passable shelter. It was alright I suppose, hunting caribou by day, melting snow for water, and fashioning clothes from leaves and animal hide. I was reasonably confident that I’d survive till the first thaw. That is, until the wolves came.”

 “I- You- What?”

“We didn’t get along at first, and that’s putting it lightly. Wolves are creatures of endurance. They surrounded my camp, kept me from going out to hunt, tried to starve me out. They didn’t know who they were fucking with though. I set up traps, caught a few of their own, and showed them what happens to those who tried to cross me. I owned those bitches.” Reaching up with her hand, she pulls down the collar of her dress to dizzying depths, exposing a long, jagged scar. “Not to say that they didn’t get a few licks in too edge-wise.”

“I have no idea who I’m talking to right now.”

“Eventually, it came down to a stalemate. The wolves understood that I would not be taken down easily and they grew to respect me. I became one of their own. We dominated the forest together, spent our days running down forest critters and ripping them to shreds, and our nights howling at the moon, marking the territory as ours. I became their leader and they worshipped me as if I was a god.” Vriska smirks and reaches for her own glass, taking a long draft before continuing. “It was good shit.”

“I have no idea what to say to that, Vriska.” You admit. “What happened next?”

“Well, then I decided that I’d go back home and text you. Now here we are.”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Of course not, you idiot! Hahahaha!” She leans back in her chair and cackles to high heaven. “Holy shit! Did you actually believe a word of that bullshit?!? I was joshin you, John. I was joshin you, so fucking hard. Christ on a bike, you’re a silly bitch. Do you know that?”

You’re a little upset that she would yank your chain like that. However, you’ll let it slide. If anyone can appreciate a good practical joke, it’s you.

“Well, what about that crap on the shrimp boat. Was that a lie too?”

“Hey, don’t get defensive.” She waggles her finger at you. “Nearly everything I’ve told you has been forty percent true.”

“Forty percent!”

“Better than nothing.” Her leg, unseen under the table, has found it’s way to your shin. She grinds her firm calf against you slowly. “If you want to truth, Pupa, then well… you’re going to have to _work_ for it.”

“Look, Roxy. That’s not really a thing I plan on doing all that…”

You trail off when her expression turns sour.

“Who the fuck is _Roxy_?” She demands.

“Uhhhhhh. My- er… who?”

“You just called me _‘Roxy’_.” Her eye narrows. “Who is that?”

“I have to pee again.”

What follows next is a blur of color and sound. Your hands feel sweaty, your eyes feel too big for your head, and the ground is being a real bitch trying to trip up every other step. You had almost blown it just then. Hell, you probably have, in all actuality. The expression on Vriska’s face was venomous. She definitely suspects something. You are so fucked. Images flash around the inside of your head like trapped moths, a pack of wild wolves, Rose crying into her glass of wine, Bruce Willis bare-knuckle boxing a Alan Rickman cyborg, the subtle scent of strawberries, and an orange dress.

What the hell were you thinking, Egbert?

The bathroom is empty, thank fucking christ. You immediately go to the first stall and lock yourself inside. The amount of time it takes to type out Jade’s number is far too long and by the time she picks up on the second ring, you’re positively hyperventilating.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are once again John Egbert. Which means that you’re pretty much caught up now. At the moment, you’ve managed to escape the stuffy atmosphere of the horribly clean and pretentious French restaurant and swapped for the gloriously disgusting and packed city streets. A large van, typical of your average cross-country perusing hippie, pulls up to the curb and throws open it’s doors.

Strong hands reach out and grab you and you don’t resist as they tug you into the dark interior of the van.

“This is a kidnapping, bitch! I hope your friends and family have a lot of dough, otherwise no one is seeing your ass ever again!” Dave Strider smirks from the driver’s seat. “Sup, Bro. I’m kidding. This isn’t a kidnapping. We’re here to help you out of your pathetically self-inflected clichéd drama. Take a seat.”

You sit on one of the over-turned buckets in the back of the van as Dave pulls the van away from the restaurant and look at the assembled crew. The party consists of Dave, his girlfriend/your sister Jade, and Jake English of all people, your distant cousin who just so happens to looks like your god-damn twin.

As you look at each of them in turn, you quickly figure out what Jade’s proposed _plan_ is.

“Umm. Jade, do you think this is going to work?” You ask. Your seat rocks gently with the motion of the van.

“Of course it is!” She sings, twisting in the passenger seat to look at you. “I mean, the obvious solution to your problem is to come clean, explain to all these girls how you’re a punk bitch, and then get your ass stomped. Since that isn’t an option though apparently, this will have to do.” She points out the window then. “Pull over here, Dave.  This spot is good.”

“There’s no way I can come clean now.” You explain as Dave brings the van to a halt. “Rose would be sad, Roxy would never talk to me again, and Vriska would probably kill me.”

“Vriska?” Jake repeats, testing the word on his tongue. “What kind of newfangled name is that? Sounds, exotic!”

“It’s German I think, I dunno.”

Jade jumps out of her seat and moves around to open the rear doors of the van, you and Jake join her and Dave outside, and then she outlines the details of the plan:

“Jake and I are going to dress up as John and finish two of the dates.” She says. In her arms she holds a sack, full of what you recognize to be some of your clothes from your apartment. “Here, Jake. Put these on.”

“Jeans?” Jake looks at the pants with disgust. “Sorry, lass, but I’ve never covered up these legs before and I’m not about to do it now. No, sir, no way.”

“Come on, Jake. Please.” You plead with him. “I’m totally fucked if you don’t help me out here. I promise, if you wear those jeans, I’ll… I dunno. Owe you a favor or something.”

Jake considers your proposition for a moment.

“Would you… clean my apartment?”

“Uhhhh.” It’s common knowledge that Jake’s apartment is a filthy mess, not to mention dangerous. He has guns all over the place, knives, bazookas, you name it. There’s also an assortment of dungeon traps, reminiscent of great films such as Raiders of the Lost Ark. There’s a good chance that you could die stepping through his front door, but then again, there’s a good chance that you’ll die before tonight is over anyways. “Alright, I’ll do it.”

“Capital!”

You turn to Jade, just in time to see her pull her mess of dark hair up into a tight bun and cover it with a baseball cap. It isn’t perfect, but it’ll have to do. She wraps herself in a coat, which you recognize as your blazer for home, to bulk herself a bit too and finishes the transformation by coughing into her fist and trying to match your voice:

“Hello.” She says. “My name is John Egbert and I like sucking eggs.”

“Naw, Jade.” Dave, who is leaning coolly against the van, shakes his head. “You gotta add more bitchiness. Really make him sound like a punk-ass.”

“Hehehe. Okay.” Jade giggles. “This is going to be fun!”

“Yeah, just one problem.” You interject. “You guys have green eyes and mine are blue. Whoever you guys go out with are going to notice that right off that bat!”

“Speaking of that.” Jake adds. “Who’s going to be dating who?”

“Well, obviously Jake is going to have to go with Vriska.” Jade says, scratching her chin as she thinks. “She’ll probably notice if I pretend to be John. Also, Roxy would recognize Jake almost immediately, since you’ve guys have been friends forever. That leaves Roxy for me and then John can go with Rose.”

“Oh.” You say, and you’re surprised to hear a tinge of disappointment in your voice. You had sort of been hoping that you’d get to spend more time with Roxy. Oh well. You aren’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. “I mean, oh okay. That sounds good. Now what about the multi-colored eyes?”

“Easy.” Dave steps forward and produces two pairs of cool-guy sunglasses. “Shade-up, Harley and English. It’s time that you saw the world the way I do.”

Jake and Jade don their sunglasses and stand before you. Jake shifts uncomfortably with denim covering his legs and Jade adjusts the baseball cap atop her head. Their eyes are hidden behind dark glass and…

“This plan is flawless.” You say with a confident grin. “Why didn’t you call Jane? I bet she’d love to get in on these shenanigans.”

“I did call her.” Jade explains defensively. “She’s too loyal to Roxy to pull this kind of junk over her head though. So you’ll have to do with us.”

“Well, alright. I appreciate you guys helping, by the way.” Adjusting your tie, you address your team. “Come on, guys. Let’s do this!”

* * *

=> Be Jade Harley

You are now Jade Harley. You don't need no other lover, we can keep it undercover.

Damn, you hate that song, but damn, is it catchy as shit.

Dave drives you and the rest of the group back around the front of the restaurant and kicks you out on the curb, not before a quick goodbye though:

“Now I know that this is a fake date and all,” He says. “But you’re faithlessness still hurts, real deep; I’m talking two hundred thousand leagues under the sea deep.”

“Awww. Sorry, babe.” You give him a quick kiss before you jump out of the van. “But duty calls!”

John leads the way into the restaurant and through the main foyer. He stops on the edge of the floor though, where a sea of tables fans out ahead, and turns back. You can tell that he’s nervous by the way he speaks, all jittery and fast.

“Okay, Jake. Vriska is over there on the left.” He points towards the east side of the restaurant. “Or at least she was the last time I checked. She’s wearing a blue dress, has her hair all tied back, and one of her eyes is missing. You can’t miss her. Just go over there, sit down, don’t buy anything expense, and _listen_. That part is important. She’ll do most of the talking anyways. Got it?”

“You can count on me!” Chirps Jake, before confidently striding off between the tables.

John turns to you next and grips your shoulder with a shaking hand.

“Roxy is near the back. Pink dress, blonde hair with one little lock that always curls above her brow, pink eyes that…”

“Shimmer with the light of a thousand stars? Yeah. I got it.” You grab his hand in yours and steady it. “Listen, John. I can tell that you’d like to go be with Roxy, but you can’t. You managed to fuck that up because you couldn’t say no to Vriska. You’ll just have to try again some other time.”

“Are you sure?” He asks. “Rose was halfway through a bottle of wine when I left her, she might not recognize you if you just…”

“We can’t take that chance.” You turn him around and give him a gentle push away. “Go to Rose. We’ll meet up later for a debriefing. Good luck!”

He casts you a final, worried glance before walking away and disappearing amongst the maze of tables. Poor guy. If he wasn’t such a pussy-boy, maybe tonight would have turned out well for him. Oh well. He’s still bound to have fun with Rose. He just has to suck it up and take his lumps.

You move to the rear of the restaurant and find Roxy easily enough. She sitting at the table, chin cradled in her hand, lazily stirring an olive around a martini glass, with one of the saddest expressions you ever did see. Seeing her alone breaks your heart a little bit and you curse John as you move in to fix his mistakes.

“Sup.” You give her a slight head nod as you take your seat and she brightens considerably.

“Oh thank, jfc.” She says with a sigh. “I thought I scared you off, Johnny. Haha. What’s with the wardrobe change?”

“Got cold.” You mumble. Disguising your voice is a lot harder than you originally thought.

“Yeah. It is a little chilly in here, huh? I ordered some bread.” She points towards a collection of crumbs scattered across a gleaming plate. “But… yeaaaaah. You can kinda see where that went.”

It gets awkward real fast. With you, sitting there in silence and Roxy, looking at you with open confusion and possibly a little bit of hurt.

“So, uh.” She clears her throat. “I like that blazer. It’s very sharp, sort of like James Bond or some shit. If he wore blazers, I mean. I think he just wears tuxes most of the time, right?”

“I guess.” You grunt.

“Are you okay? You sound a little funny. Also, what’s with the shades? Don’t get me wrong, they look cool as fuck, but… I dunno. You seem different.”

“It’s you, Roxy. You’re so bright that I gotta wear shades.”

“Ha. Nice. That sounds like something Dave would say.” Her lip twists as she pokes the olive around her glass. “What do you think he’s up to right now?”

“Probably making out with his hot girlfriend.”

“You mean, your hot sister?”

“Uh, yeah. Did I say hot? I meant… _nice_?”

“She is pretty nice, huh? I think I’ve only met her like… once? Twice? You should introduce us again sometime.”

“I will.”

“Good.”

It gets awkward again.

“Fuh. Listen, John.” She folds her hands in her lap and sets her eyes on your shades. Fuck, they really do shimmer like a billion stars. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this for sure, feel free to stop me if I have, but I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up.”

Shit. This is about to get personal. You can tell.

“I was weird, nerdy, a little bit of a loner, you know?” She continues. “I didn’t really put myself out there until high school, but that was just mostly drinking and stuff, plus by then it was a little late to make friends and what not. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I didn’t really have much of _anyone_ before now. Yeah, there was my mom and Rose and Jane and Dirk and Jake, but I never really _had_ anyone in… a certain sense. Do you get what I’m trying to say?”

You do and you know for a fact that you are _not_ the one that should be hearing this.

“I’m saying that,” She takes a breath. “You, John, are kind of my first real shot at a good relationship and I don’t want to screw that up. I like you a whole lot. I’ve liked you since Rose first introduced us, back when you were still… dating her and stuff.” Her hand comes up and extends across the table towards yours, but suddenly you’re standing up, out of reach. Her face falls horribly and you feel your insides squirm. She lets out the tiny, sad: “Oh.”

“Last restroom break.” You explain, your voice hoarse. “When I come back. You’re going to say that again, _all_ of it. Is that okay?”

“Um. Sure?”

“Good. Please don’t move, alright? Just,” You back away quickly. “Stay right there and don’t move.”

You race back through the restaurant to the main foyer. Once there, you whip out your cell phone and send John a quick text. Half a minute later, he’s there.

“You sonovabitch.” You growl, seizing him by the collar and causing him to squeal. “You and your stupid three-way date bullshit! Roxy really, _really_ likes you and you’re going to fuck it up! You are so dumb sometimes, I swear to god.”

“Gah! I really like Roxy too!” He struggles in your grip. “But I don’t know what to do!”

“I do.” You fling him away from you, towards Roxy. “Go be with her. I’ll deal with Rose.”

“But won’t she recognize…”

“Not if she’s as drunk as you say she is.” You’ve made up your mind. “I’ll be really careful. Just go to Roxy and do _not_ fuck it up, alright?”

“Alright.” He smiles at you sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck. “Thanks a lot, Jade. You’re a good sister.”

“I know.” Then, like a badass, you walk away from him and over towards Rose’s table.

Your long-time friend and future sister-in-law is really damn drunk, but that doesn’t stop her from attempting to pour another glass of wine, sloshing most of it onto the white table cloth. Taking a deep breath to center yourself, you slide into the vacant seat across from her and…

“Jade, I know that’s you.”

“Dammit!” You whip off your baseball hat and pull off the shades. “How did you know?”

“You’re walk mostly, plus the fact that you’re two inches shorter, fifty pounds lighter, and much tanner than your poor, confused brother.” Rose moves to set the bottle back on the table, but it tumbles over the edge. Only your quick reflexes prevent it from smashing on the floor. “It will take more than John’s blazer, a hat, and some sunglasses to fool me. Nice catch, by the way.”

“Thanks.” You set the bottle back on the table. “So you aren’t mad that we tried to dupe you?”

“Not necessarily.” She is suddenly very interested in her reflection on the gleaming plate in front of her. “Tonight is just a long string of disappointments it seems. I can’t say I’m very surprised that John attempted to escape from me. I wasn’t being very good company. I assume that he’s currently in the process of joining another date, right?”

“Well, yeah. You’re right about that, but you’re wrong about all that other stuff!” You lean across the table and take her hand in yours. “Look at me, Rose. Tonight is _not_ full of disappointments and you are _not_ bad company. Quite the opposite!”

“Heh. How optimistic of you, considering the fact that both Kanaya and John have managed to forsaken me in the same evening.”

“Kanaya probably has a good reason. You’ll call her tomorrow. And John… well, John’s just a little confused about how the world works.” You keep your grip on Rose as you rise from the table and she is forced to stand up as well. “Come on. Let’s pay your no doubt, astronomical bill and get you home. Something tells me that you’ll need a tall glass of water and some R&R before bed.”

“Thank, Jade.” She smiles sleepily. “You’re a good friend.”

“Yeah,” You put your hand on the small of her back and guide her forward. “I know.”

* * *

=> Be Jake English

You are now Jake English. This of course means that you’ve been roped into a rather exciting and dangerous mission.

Just the way you like your missions to be.

“Okay, Jake. Vriska is over there on the left.” Your cousin, John, points towards the east side of the restaurant. “Or at least she was the last time I checked. She’s wearing a blue dress, has her hair all pulled back, and one of her eyes is missing. You can’t miss her. Just go over there, sit down, don’t buy anything expense, and _listen_. That part is important. She’ll do most of the talking anyways. Got it?”

“You can count on me!” You assure him, before striding with great bravado towards Vriska’s table.

She truly is a magnificent creature, if you do say so yourself. With hair like silk and a piercing glare that seems to cut right down to your very soul, as you take a seat across from her. You decide quickly that a _‘piercing glare’_ is one of the many things you want to avoid whilst undertaking a covert mission and scoop up a menu to hide behind it.

There is no noise for a pregnant minute, besides the white chatter of the restaurant, but eventually she speaks. Her voice is smooth, but pointed, like a rich liquor or maybe a spider’s bite. You do your best to keep all the sweat inside of your body, but it’s much easier said than done.

“Do you know why I picked this restaurant, John?”

“No.” You say immediately.

“It’s high-class, extremely so, but affordable enough to still be a little crowded. I mean, look at this place.” You assume that she’s gesturing about the floor, but you can’t really tell from behind your menu. “Check out all these people. All that’s missing is a slip ‘n slide and a few screaming kids and you’d have yourself a fucking amusement park. Haha.” Her laugh is somehow more deadly than her voice. “Anyways, that’s good for a number of reasons. One: if this date goes sour, I can humiliate you publicly. And two:…”

All of the sudden, she lunges across the table, rips the menu out of your hands, and grabs you by the neck. You let out a choking gasp, but are helpless to stop her from snatching off your sunglasses. Her lip twists in a winning snarl and you feel her sharpened nails dig further into your skin.

Why the fuck isn’t anyone nearby helping you?

“As I was saying,” She continues, her voice hushed now. “Two: if you try any stupid shit like _this_ , then I get to both reveal you _and_ humiliate you publicly. Isn’t that great?”

“I- I’m so sorry.” You stammer. “John and Jade asked me to do it. I just went along for the ride. He’s going to clean out my apartment for me. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Please don’t kill me. God, I’m so sexually confused right now!”

She chuckles darkly and leans closer. You can smell her perfume, something musky and risky, and when she speaks into your ear, her lips tickle your hair and light a fire in your core. Fuck, do you ever love cerulean ladies.

“What’s your name, Pupa?” She asks.

“Ja- Jake.”

“Well, Jake.” She leans back slightly “You pal John just missed the chance of a lifetime and you…” She grins and you whimper quietly. “Today just so happens to be your lucky day.”

Then she leans in and your mind goes truly, blissfully blank.

* * *

=> Be John Egbert

You are once again John Egbert. Which means that everything is going to work out A-OK.

“Roxy is near the back. Pink dress, blonde hair with one little lock that always curls above her brow, pink eyes that…”

“Shimmer with the light of a thousand suns? Yeah. I got it.” Jade grabs your hand and steadies it in hers.” Listen, John. I can tell that you’d like to go be with Roxy, but you can’t. You managed to fuck that up because you couldn’t say no to Vriska. You’ll just have to try again some other time.”

“Are you sure?” You really do want to go for Roxy. “Rose was halfway through a bottle of wine when I left her, she might not recognize you if you just…”

“We can’t take that chance.” Jade turns you around and shoves you forward. “Go to Rose. We’ll meet up later for a debriefing. Good luck!”

Casting her a final, worried glance, you sulk back to Rose’s table.

She’s still sitting there, of course, lazily tipping back wine as you take your seat. She looks up and smiles at you with that watery expression that lets you know for sure, just how happy she actually is to see you. It twists your insides a bit, knowing that you and her have already gone down that road and fucked it up.

“Do you remember why we broke up?” She asks randomly, as if she can read your mind.

“You wanted to focus on your studies.” You answer.

“And…” She prompts

“And I was in the way?” You guess.

“No.” Rose sighs and smoothes down her skirt. “I broke up with you because I wanted to focus on my studies, but also because I could see that there was another relationship brewing, a much more potent and less confusing one.”

“What do you mean?”

“My sister has a crush on you, John.” She states simply. “I would have thought for sure that even you would have been able to notice that by now.”

“Oh.”

“Oh. Indeed.” She reaches for another drink. “I made a conscious decision that you and I could no longer be together. It would hurt you, of course, I knew that. But everything would be better in the end. You and Roxy would make a good couple.”

“So I’ve heard.” Your head slumps forward to land on the table, bouncing all the nearby silverware into the air slightly. “Ugh. Rose. Can we not talk about that right now? I’m here with you, aren’t I?”

“Do you want to be?”

With great effort, you pick up your head and meet her eyes. They’re violet and deep and sad and… you used to love those eyes. They used to look up from where her nose was pressed into your chest and ensnare you in their grasp. Rose really was gorgeous and intelligent and lovely in almost every way, and…

“I loved you.” You answer in a not-sort of way. “I really did, but I don’t anymore. I’m sorry, but if I could, I would be with Roxy right now.”

“I know.” She takes another drink. “And that’s nothing to be sorry about.”

Your phone buzzes in your pocket. It’s Jade.

“I should take this.” You explain, standing up at once.

“Alright.” She nods simply. “Thank you for keeping me company this evening, John.”

“No problem.” You turn to leave, but she speaks once more.

“And for the record…” You turn to meet her violet eyes. “I loved you too.”

* * *

Roxy is sitting alone, waiting, when you get back to her table. She grins when she sees you, pushes back the curl of hair over her brow, and sits up straighter in her chair. You take your own seat, and smile back. You’re a piece of shit for what you did to her tonight, but maybe, just maybe, there’s a small chance that you can make it up to her.

**THE END.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Leave a prompt if you have any ideas!  
> \- Mike


	7. Summer School is Dumb (John/Roxy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Airtamis for commenting.
> 
> AUs for the Accident Prone: "I got a nosebleed in class and the teacher made you escort me to the nurse as my nose gushes blood all over the place"  
> Prompt by fancifulwording

**Chapter Seven: Summer School is Dumb (John/Roxy)**

= Be Roxy Lalonde

You are now Roxy Lalonde. Congrats. There's nothing like the magical wonder of spending your summer vacation indoors, surrounded by kids you don't like, attending summer school for one of the worst subjects ever fabricated.

Namely,  _Calculus_.

Fun fact: Sir Isaac Newton (who lived a long-ass time ago, like apples a lot, had some crazy hair, and was apparently magic?) invented Calculus one day, back in who the fuck knows when, because he wanted to study Physics. Fucker literally invented a math so that he could begin to study something else, the unmitigated nerve of some people.

Or, at least that's what you tell people at parties. Honestly, you weren't paying that much attention in the 'History of Calculus' section of the original course. That's probably why you're here in summer school in the first place. Oh well, this notebook isn't going to doodle passionately on itself and you aren't about to listen to Mr. Noodleman as he lectures with all the enthusiasm as of a brain-dead pack mule.

No offence intended to any brain-dead pack mules who may be reading your thoughts at the moment.

Anyways, you'd just finished drawing one of those cool 'S' things when the monotonous drone of infinite hyperintegers or something equally lame is suddenly broken by a stern exclamation of teacher-ish disapproval.

"Mr. Egbert!" Cracks Mr. Noodleman shrilly. You look up from your notebook to see the top of John's messy head protruding from behind a textbook, ineffectively hiding him from view. "Just exactly what do you think you're doing?"

There's a single beat as John probably debates whether lower his book or melt into oblivion and disappear forever. However, John is unfortunately  _not_  Meltman and must eventually succumb to the superior pressure. He lets his textbook fall forward onto his desk with a solid  _thunk_  and the Noodle-miester lets out a sharp gasp when he sees that both of John's nostrils are doing a rather fantastic impression of a leaky faucet, spewing more blood down into his shirt and hands than Silly String at an Aquabats concert.

John fumbles for a moment.

"Uh- my nose is bleeding." He eventually proclaims.

"Well, that most certainly goes without saying! What's the matter with you?"

"It's allergies, I think." John attempts to staunch the flow with his hand, but only ends up dripping several drops onto the desk top.

"Get out!" Mr. Noodleman orders, shitty toupee flopping dangerously as he jerks his head towards the door. "I can't have you bleeding all over the place. Do you know how much this school equipment costs?" For emphasis, he slaps his palm onto the surface of a nearby desk, cracking the poor plywood like a saltine cracker.

As he quickly scrabbles to piece the furniture back together, John attempts to take his leave. Rising from his seat, he makes a bee-line for the door, passing by your desk in the process and trailing blood in his wake. You make a snap decision and shove your notebook into your bag, jumping to your feet to catch him by the elbow.

"Let me escort you to the school nurse, John." You speak loud enough for the whole room, Mr. Noodleman included, to hear. "We don't want you bleeding out on us on the way there. Haha."

"Whaa-" John turns back to look at you, mouth opening wide to argue, but you don't give him a chance. Already, you're shepherding him towards the door by your grip on his arm, quick enough so that by the time Mr. Noodleman straightens up, you and Johnny are already gone. You are Quicksilver, it is you.

"I don't need you to escort me." John manages, once you're both out in the hall. "I get nose bleeds all the time around July. My sister says it's because of the dry weather, but I think I'm just allergic to summer school. Heh."

"Aw that's cute." You pat him on the arm. "Welp. See ya!"

You shove your hands in the pockets of your skirt and start off down the hall, whistling a merry tune. The last thing you expect is for John to give chase.

"W-Wait!" His sneakers slap loudly against the floor behind you. "I thought you were going to walk with me to the nurse's office."

"Yeah, I thought it was pretty obvious that I lied about that to get out of class. I'm sure you'll be fine on your own, and besides," You give a small wave over your shoulder. "You said that I didn't need to escort you anyways."

"Well… you don't, not really, but don't you think it's a little cheap to skip out on class like this?"

You come to a stop and swivel to face John. He must be caught off guard, because he's suddenly stumbling to prevent himself ramming into you full-force. Regardless, he comes to a stop as well a little closer than the typical distance you'd expect people to stand. You catch a whiff of coffee grounds mixed in with the metallic scent of blood as he quickly retreats to a respectable distance.

"I don't need this class, John." You begin, as he collects himself. "The only reason I failed it the first time is because I didn't care enough to pay attention. I'll cram before the final exam this time, pass with flying colors, and scornfully look back on these wasted days, wearing one of those fancy graduation hats and a stiff middle finger." You rest your hands on your hips. "In fact, the only cheap thing about this situation is that I could be doing something actually worthwhile right now instead, like partying it up or catchin' em all or coding some sweet programs."

"You like coding?" John's eyes light up suddenly. "That's awesome! But, don't you need math to do stuff like that?"

"Psshh. Nope." You scoff at the idea. "They invented calculators for a reason, Johnny, so that weary souls like us wouldn't have to slave away in the math mines, swinging our pickaxes at the trigonometric gem doohickeys and hauling them to the surface in derivative mine carts with tangent functions slapped on the side."

"I guess that makes sense."

"You're damn right it does."

"You know, I'm something of a coder myself." John says proudly, although the effect is ruined by the hand over his face, causing his voice to be muffled. "I bought one of those Java for Idiots textbooks last month and started teaching myself how to make, like, loops and whatnot!"

"Really?" You're actually impressed. You hadn't known John was interested in the computer-al sciency arts. Hell, you hadn't really known  _anything_  about John until right now. He'd sat a few seats behind you, doing his work quietly, sometimes napping, but never really making an effort to reach out to you, or anyone else for that matter. You've seen him around a few times with Rose or Dave, but you'd always pegged him as the lonely, quiet type, a little cute, really dorky, and, now that you think about it, it's sort of a mystery as to why he's taking summer school in the first place when- fuck aren't you supposed to in the middle of a conversation? "That's pretty rock n rollin, man. Have you dabbled with applets yet?"

"Uh, nope. Not yet." John rubs the back of his neck. "In all honesty, I'm actually not that good. Haha. But I think it'd just be really cool to be one of those badass hackers like Crash Override in  _Hackers_  or…" He trails off when a spurt of blood shoots out of his nose like a bullet from a gun and lands right smack-dab in the center of your sweater. "Oh. Oh- shit."

"Maybe we actually  _should_  get you to the nurse." You frown at the stain. You really liked this sweater. "Come on, Sir Sprinkler." Taking John by the wrist, you tug him along, back down the hall whence you came. "So anyways, if you're having trouble coding and stuff, I wouldn't mind giving you a few pointers. You know, when we aren't trapped in this shit hole."

John grins at you, flashing some seriously glubbed up chompers in the process. Surprisingly though, it doesn't wig you out. If anything, it sort of… completes the picture.

"Really? You'd do that?" He asks.

"Of course!" You flap your hand as if you can physically beat away the alternative. "Belive it or not, I'm practically Kevin Mitnick, except female and ten times more attractive."

"That's quite the claim." He chuckles. "Thanks, Roxy. I'll make it up to you, promise!"

"Oh, what's a few tutoring sess's among friends, eh? I just hope you're ready to learn. You'll come to find out soon enough, Johnny, that I'm about as rough of an educator as they come."

"Well, I can't wait." And when you look in his eyes, you can tell he's telling the truth.

Damn, maybe your time here won't be as big of a waste as you thought.

It's only when you arrive outside the nurse's office that you realize it's currently summer school, and the nurse isn't even fucking there. Oh well, it doesn't matter anyways. Thanks to some toilet paper stolen from the restroom, John's nose has stopped bleeding, and in all honesty, you weren't looking all that forward to parting ways with him either. Apparently he must feel the same. He asks you to lunch, and who the hell are you to deny him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or in other words: Mike attempts to get back into writing Homestuck fanfiction by completely butchering a simple prompt lol regardless, I saw fancifulwording's list of prompt ideas and thought, you know, why the fuck not? We all have to start again somewhere.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Send me a prompt if you have any ideas!  
> \- Mike


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